When the depression lifts and you can feel more self control, but then give in to your urges anyway after days of a normal OK mood. No excuses at that point.
i didnt have a childhood. i wish i had a childhood. i wish i were free. i wish i could have been myself. i wish i had lived my life. i want to be free. i feel like a soul without a body. please, please, if theres a god, please let me try again. i think i had a purpose. i love mathematics, i love learning, i love thinking, i wanted to make things, i think i could have been truly free, and i could have provided for others, thats all. i wanted to be the monster i am, and study like no one else ever did, and make so many things, thats all. i dont know how to describe this, its like i dont exist, but i do. why was i born then? am i just an accident? but i can see things and do things no one else can? i dont know, i dont know. all that matters to me is studying a lot and writing and making useful things. but my life is completely destroyed, it was completely destroyed from day one. all i can do is implore the heavens for another chance after i die, i have to beg the heavens to reincarnate, because theres nothing in this life, never was. i dont know, i want to shout, i want to say how i feel and what i think, but im not good at words and this is the best i can do. i wish i had another chance, i wish i could start over, i wish i could have lived my life, i wish i were myself, i wish i were free, thats all. i wanted to live my life and be myself, i really love learning and i think i can make very nice things, thats all. im sorry for posting, im an eyesore, i know i dont have the right to say something.
knowledge itself, is sin cut this ego crap already
>>264874>i didnt have a childhood. i wish i had a childhood. i wish i were free. i wish i could have been myself. i wish i had lived my life. i want to be free. i feel like a soul without a body. please, please, if theres a god, please let me try again. i think i had a purpose. i love mathematics, i love learning, i love thinking, i wanted to make things, i think i could have been truly free, and i could have provided for others, thats all. i wanted to be the monster i am, and study like no one else ever did, and make so many things, thats all. i dont know how to describe this, its like i dont exist, but i do. why was i born then? am i just an accident? but i can see things and do things no one else can? i dont know, i dont know. all that matters to me is studying a lot and writing and making useful things. but my life is completely destroyed, it was completely destroyed from day one. all i can do is implore the heavens for another chance after i die, i have to beg the heavens to reincarnate, because theres nothing in this life, never was. i dont know, i want to shout, i want to say how i feel and what i think, but im not good at words and this is the best i can do. i wish i had another chance, i wish i could start over, i wish i could have lived my life, i wish i were myself, i wish i were free, thats all. i wanted to live my life and be myself, i really love learning and i think i can make very nice things, thats all. im sorry for posting, im an eyesore, i know i dont have the right to say something.
Start with small steps that give you small wins to get back on your feet.
Every single day get at least one small win.
I was born in a poor country with no diverse job market.
You can't be a scientist here, you can't be an artist or do something actually interesting.
It's all trades jobs, making deliveries and le CS shit and none of this i care about. I always wanted to be a scientist but lab jobs either don't exist or pay 200$ a month.
Now I'm in a field where there's demand but too much competition and studying. I never cared for it but was essentially forced to by my parents. Now they're mad at me for no longer being able to push through when in fact i NEVER actually signed up for this…
Fuck this "life" i never even had a chance to have a decent one.
I remember being on /g/ a few weeks ago and seeing some guy who got a free "broken" computer from a friend, spend the entire thread laughing at the guy who gave him the computer and calling him a "useless faggot who couldn't even replace graphics card". Ever since then I'll type up a post on 4chan and then think "what's the point" and delete it.
I hate chan users so much its unreal. I am disgusted I spent my teenage years on a website populated by cynical, sociopathic losers.
i used to argue on chans for hours a day and it was for the purpose of making a general thread no longer made because its quality is too poor.
i succeeded a few times back in the day, but now my competition is literal bots. i dont mean the subversive political AI, i mean the 4chanx scripts you can set up that just dump an image folder automatically. they leave them on even when theyre asleep because theyre autistic.
those sorts of people make me so angry that they're what motivated me to do it. theres autistic men out there who feel some strong sense of identity and community with a shitty porn general or a faggot video game general that reposts from reddit, and they pretend to own the place and take it so seriously even though the quality is thoroughly shit and half the users there are underage. they make a full-time unpaid job out of pretending to be a moderator and keeping the thread artificially alive with their 4chanx dumps. You'll often see users have full blown panic attacks over a general being 404ed for a few hours with a slow replacement. they're so unbelievably defensive over their shitty reddit clone that i want to destroy it. i wish i could kill them
I drank an entire liter of vodka today and didn't even get buzzed. Then I got pissed off and split wood with an axe until I collapsed.
I think I'm going to hang myself.
I would die from drinking that much alone and you need hanging as a finisher move. Tough motherfucker.
Has anyone started again in a new city? I'm legit thinking of fucking off overseas and just pretending to be a new person, cutting off everyone from my current life.
I'm at the point of doing so, I just feel anger and resentment at everyone in my personal life, especially my family.
The old boy reckons it doesn't work, he tried it in his thirties and his problems just followed him.
Why the fuck do you guys write stuff here? It really does not make a difference. It will be forgotten in a short range time which is the very destiny of all communication in the digital age. This whole fucking platform is like a hoax. It might as well play in your mind. It really is not an expansion of the mind. It's an illusion that your mind expands your very room you are sitting in. Your room is making you dead.
Just kidding, life sucks, hang on you motherfuckers.
i like reading your posts, i hope you find a decent job hang in there
give a librarian my old card to throw away, they fucking scan it without my consent, which had stuff overdue i "supposedly" owe overdue and owe money to the city. luckily i can still use the PC's to play games/watch anime but imagine if they cut me off over their bs
Shouting in to the void has value. Ethereal posting is hip. Also today I am sad.
go back to 4chan tradcuck
>>264920> i hope the world is still in one piece 30 years from now. im afraid of things like food and energy shortages, wars and natural disasters. i hope my country doesnt collapse
Why? Wouldn’t opposite be more interesting? Even if society is in order I would be a loser at the bottom of hierarchy. Anarchy and chaos do not makes too big difference for losers.
I basically only live to consume pornography and tug my little worm.
I've been like this all my life. It's not over yet m8 please try to stop
>>264874>please, if theres a god, please let me try again.
I wish I could believe that I could try life again. It just seems so likely that every animal, including humans, go to the same place of nonexistence. I guess it won't matter how badly I want to try again at a life that could be full of happy memories and fulfilling achievements. Once I'm dead I won't have any feeling, thought, or care as it won't be possible.
>>264942>I wish I could believe that I could try life again
You do, but it's the same life, over and over again.
Your life is the only possible life that you will ever experience, over and over again, for eternity.
Unwizardly. Desires are still pissing your slaved soul… and that can be used against you, against all those who march behind the world's lights like moths
Just waiting for death. 1 day down. hopefully not many to go
if you think about it, there arent that many days in a lifetime. even if you live 100 years, it is still only 36500 days.
They days feel too long sometimes
I quit my wagecuck job, I could not take it anymore.
"I would rather die then go to work" has been a recurring thought in my head for months and something finally snapped, did not even have the energy to call or text my boss that I left.
I don't have much money saved up, I could probably survive 4 or 5 months, after that it's up to my family how long they'll be able to stomach my unemployed ass before they kick me out.
I would genuinely rather die than going back to another wagecuck job, once my family kicks me out I will most likely go into the woods and die.
I am mentally ill, but look "normal" enough that I'm expected to work, even though normies quickly realize there is something "off" about me. I am ugly, low IQ, short, weak with next to no redeemable qualities.
I was already low IQ, but being a neet for 7 years stuck in my room did a serious number on me, even basic math is hard for me now.
I was dealt an absolute shit cards in life, the most I can expect out of life is getting the same results average people get by doing nothing at all, but for that I will have to work 10x harder than they do.
I'm sorry for the long post, I don't think anybody will even bother to read it, but I have nobody to even tell this to.
It's OK, take a brake and recover.
I always end up doing something similar: get a soul crushing job, work until I can't take it anymore, quit and recharge, then go at it again to pay the bills. I wish we could all get neetbux.
>get a soul crushing job, work until I can't take it anymore, quit and recharge, then go at it again to pay the bills.
The thing is, this is my third time doing this, and something feels very different this time, as if something just snapped in my brain. I no longer have that fire of ambition in me, it was faint to begin with, but now it's completely snuffed out.
I'm close to 30, no savings, high school drop out, socially retarded, speech impediment, low IQ, no friends, zero experience with succubi.
There genuinely is no future for me, this is not even coming from a "depressed" mind, I'm approaching my life situation with complete objectivity.
I'm not a smart guy, I'm not creative either, hypnotically lets say I somehow got this insane burst of motivation and work ethic that would last for years, I would still be hopelessly far behind pretty much everyone my age.
Not everybody gets to be successful and happy in this life, I get that.
The people you see doing low status jobs with pretty much no chance of moving up in their life still have something to cling on to, they might have friends they hang out with after work, a girlfriend, a child, a family that will die without their work, I have none of that.
The rest of my life will consist of me working a shit job, with not a single support pillar, in Maslow's hierarchy of needs I will most likely always only have the physiological needs met.
I might have been able to cope with this life as I have done so far, but my usual copes of video games, movies, anime all have stopped working, I have nothing to cope with anymore.
I will forever be a wagecuck slave with nothing and still society expects me to work the rest of my life for breadcrumbs, and I say no, I would rather die and that is what is going to happen.
I've experienced quite similar as you. I've walked out and quit 14 jobs now as of last year. I haven't worked for almost an entire year and things are getting very grim. I'm at the point where I need to start selling my shit to even stay afloat. Was trying to NEETbux until I was denied for the 5th time despite having a on record diagnosis of various mental illnesses. There's no hope for me.>>264957>I wish we could all get neetbux
As do I.
>>264956>I was dealt an absolute shit cards in life, the most I can expect out of life is getting the same results average people get by doing nothing at all, but for that I will have to work 10x harder than they do.
I feel the same, everyone is good at what they do and I suck, I'm the only one who truly sucks, I'm just waiting for my employer to find out and fire me. I'm sure it will happen eventually happen.
And it's true what you say about working harder to get the same results, It's like trying to run a marathon with a bag of rocks slowing you down, yet you're expected to run as if you were a top athlete even with absurd disadvantages.
The only thing that makes me feel calm is knowing that someday all of this will end when I die, either by accident or suicide, amazing how death is truly the last hope for people like us.
I'm 29. Nothing makes me happy, nothing feels worth it, and nothing has since I was 14. I can't get past those facts. I can't focus on anything at all because nothing besides self-preservation seems worth doing even on a basic level. I work, but when I'm not working, I'm alone until I work again.
I hate how illogical I am, how my mind still won't accept the idea of death.
On a logical level the "I can't kill myself because of how it would make my family feel" is completely illogical.
The moment I'd die I would no longer exist, from my perspective it would have been like the world ended and I went into a dreamless sleep never to awake again.
The same way I would not want to leave my computer unlocked, my room uncleaned, e.t.c.
But I still can not rise above this feeling, how do you do it those of you who are preparing to actually end it?
Same. nothing more to add.
Also same brother, I think after I reach 26 I dont think the frontal cortex bullshit is real, I feel like im gonna be the same miserable dumbass.
yep. nothing. its fucking crazy, the entire world… a big mess of meaninglessness. i dont understand other people, what they do or why they do it, i often feel inhuman, or that something is seriously wrong/missing in my brain. oh well, im going to kill myself soon i think. good luck
When I moved away for university my mind felt a freedom knowing nobody knew me or anything about me. A freedom from the past. If you’ve never done it, it can be nice. Personal problems whatever, you will repeat patterns. If your problem is something you create then whatever. it depends how much the past weighs on you. Family connections don’t reform so the pull of those bonds are gone, old memories and connections associated with places and people dull.
this shit is just depressing ngl
Its building like a storm, I feel it all night long.
Why didn’t anyone stop me when I gave up? The school system hardly cared when I just stopped showing up, I think they sent someone over once and had a quick talk and that was it. Another time my dad drove me to school to talk to two teachers and it was another quick talk where nothing happened. The more I think about it the more I’ve dealt with the same thing countless times. Therapists or divorce counselors growing up, being put in a remedial class, summer school, speech class, always just people sitting down and talking but still just letting me quietly stop out of life bit by bit.
That’s all long gone and now I’m just invisible, if I died society wouldn’t even notice. I guess it’s my choice but I was still a child when I started down this path. Everyone saw me digging this hole and tried to convince me to stop digging but nobody bothered to try and pull me out. Now I’m completely buried and still nobody asks what that shovel is doing there. If I died would the neighbors even notice I don’t know
my BPD mother had me in her sights tonight
I won't even bother elaborating because anybody who knows what this means knows the full painful extent
I feel this. I have read many stories about people who recovered from depression - so many involved a teacher, a doctor, or someone who took interest in them and helped them get better. The doctors don’t even follow up if you just disappear in the middle of treatment if you’re an average loser. The world isn’t interested in us.
that's a bad thing how exactly? this is such a weird thing to be upset about. doctors and teachers are not your mother, what kind of miracle do you expect them to pull off?
Anybody else have comically bad memory? Mine is possibly fried due to depression/anxiety and sleep meds.
I'm constantly switching tabs when supposed to memorize stuff but then again… don't all fucking normies scroll tik tok or whatever all the time? And they still get things done…
I'm thinking I might have ADD on top of my mental issue what can I do about this?(no proper ADD meds where i live)
I always wondered how normies could just pick up on things naturally, like remembering names and common things or mastering some sort of hobby or game.
Even old 90 year old people have a better memory than me. I now understand why I can never become proficient in anything.
>>265013>Even old 90 year old people have a better memory than me.
lol my 85 yr old grandpa recites some poems sometimes i'm not joking
it also explains why I'm also too stupid to work at a fast food joint as a cook
I've bounced back from literal psychosis and periods of shut in depression with almost no problems honestly. But for the first time in my life I'm getting headaches in my late twenties and I think that's the sign it's gonna start catching up to me.
I think mental illness is like alcoholism or types of drug addiction. You can bounce back from it faster if you're younger and somewhat be alright, but it'll quickly get you if you do it at middle age or older.
Is it possible to accept depression and be numb too it? I been fighting all these years, trying to figure myself out and make my life better, but I just don't care at all anymore, I rather let my mental illness take over and accept defeat.
You never really become numb to it unless you have bad coping mechanisms like drugs or alcohol. The long term prognosis of accepting depression is basically being angry and underemployed.
I swear normies only care and fetishize intelligence and tech knowledge shit for the feeling of domination it gives over others. It's what those shows like Mr Robot and the Big Bang Theory are all about, flexing intelligence. The way they were all gushing at teamviewer and remote access stuff today in class was just bizarre. They immediately all started profusely gushing about how they could access so and so's computer at home and see what so and so was up to. Filled with creepy statements with them fantasizing about how they can go through each others files. It was the most excited I seen them all all year.
It just made me realize. There's absolutely zero glamor for tech shit that isn't hacking and accessing people's personal files. Unless it's hacking or a high paying engineering job, normies don't care kek.
Anyone want to start a mentally ill losers meditation group? Accepting were won’t get enlightened and at most might cope with being weak minded people? Group pressure and encouragement to keep our minds in the right place and to remind each other when we fail.
What you just described sounds like something out of 1984. Who actually feels any sort of thrill from being able to view someone else's personal files? A bit creepy if you ask me.
does anyone else just not enjoy anything? i sit in my chair almost in a catatonic stupor every single day until i can pass out doing absolutely nothing and its been like this for years now.
ya. prob gonna kms soon
I think it's the environment and the way society progressed so fast makes life feel so boring and tedious. With technology and social media making life so goddamn easy, we really have nothing to much do with our lives or have any purpose at all. It's all just a boring slog and emptiness from here on out.
not exactly. because I still enjoy day dreaming and using drugs
I live in Europe, i hope Putin nukes Brussels and we start WW3. Oh sweet oblivion, come come.
He just might. Have you seen his recent tv speech? He was jittering, grimacin like a methhead,angry and anxious as fuck. I hope that the way things will go and I won't have to kill myself.
What king of drugs? I feel like drugs are rather overrated. I enjoyed doing psychodelics, but they don't allow escaping reality - they just make it worse, allowing you to feel your life x10, wether good or bad. And stronger stuff is rather quick to get addicted to and ruin whatever left of being alive.
Even though weed is not considered a psychedelic. It definitely has psychedelic properties. Hence why i felt like absolute garbage every time after smoking it. Every weed smoker is a normalfag who's life is already good. I can't sympathise with weed or psychedelic users
i hope so brother, what a way to go.
It's quite telling that when my pc shows signs of breaking I have a mini mental breakdown and become really frightened - it's all I do, it's my whole life. I wish it was a self regenerating robot.
And it just froze again, fuck. I can't take this.
They're just shitty weirdos, I have no idea, a few days later and they're still gushing about that app.
Watch any normie show with tech in it and they just glamorize the fuck out of le hacking and le invasion of privacy. Normies are so creepy.
Cause it's just a super power like any other. Same thing when ironman goes and shoots a guy with a missile, le hackerman just reads their emails and blackmails them.
He is right. It did not work for me.
I've been honestly trying to cut back on alcohol use, it's just gotten out of control and outright impractical. not really fun anymore (like most things)
finding I can't sleep without a few chugs of vodka. like, 6-8 ounces in an hour.
I've got melatonin and even benzos, but they're not enough by themselves.
Having roommates is hell. Never fucking again.
walk 15ft outside to dispose your disgusting diarrhea to appease your roommate, or move out and have to find a new place and move all your furniture again.
very tough choice wow I'm really sorry youre struggling so much
Sorry to hear anon. It's very difficult to find and form quality connections with people online because there's not usually a lot bonding you together there. It's very low stakes and easy to enter into, which means just the same it's easy to exit out of. As evidenced in you having 150 discord friends there. Who are all these people? Why /would/ they care about you have to see where you've been? You'd never have '150' friends irl for these reasons.>>265072
Uh, probably many/most people here?? Voyeurism. We love to watch from afar, see how the other half lives. Gain insights into things we don't understand and couldn't dream of. Yes it's a bit creepy, whatever that means: people are creepy. "Looking at things you shouldn't be looking at" is a commonly shared trait amongst humans, not sure why I need to explain this like an autist, and the more 'personal' something is the more 'power' it contains.>>265124
Yep. Moved into a shitty single room apartment. Now I am free to live in my own filth (until inspection day…)
I'd rather this then having to share a 'nice' place with other people.
Well my sodium nitrite poison is coming early today it seems. Sometimes I get these feelings like maybe I could make things work and stick it out but I am mentally ill. Psychotic episodes, bridge burning and self destructive behavior, etc etc. The total onslaught of 24/7 negativity and despair by my own mind has taught me not to be foolish. Best case scenario I will sit at the same computer screen, consume the same garbage, blankly stare out the same eyes. Even if I got a succubus or a dog, a motorcycle or whatever, what difference does it make? I know I won’t and don’t care to be some big shot or an artist or a writer or a socialite. I just don’t care. I never have. I know the thoughts of “well hurr maybe I could do this aaand idk… it won’t be so bad??” are hollow and reactionary. It’s all just a little fleeting flittering flutter of a daydream. I hate day dreaming, its pathetic on so many levels. I used to like myself, all said and done, but lately my own worthlessness has been coming on strong. I genuinely don’t like myself, I’m a bad person, I have a lot of problems, it’s all a waste. I’ll probably ingest the poison sometime soon. Likely on a rainy week night. I often have the thought, “this could be my last day. That’d be fine. Why not?”. That’s how it’ll be, I’ll go out with a silent whisper, leave a note to say I don’t want any sort of funeral or ceremony, nobody to speak lies for a day to try to put a positive spin on the dredging slog that consciousness has been for me. In my note I’ll say that I want as few people to know I’m gone as possible. To lie to anyone who asks about me, to not tell the family, etc. I want to vanish, like I was never here. That’d be best. Oh well. Bye for now
Another thing I kind of glossed over is being an enemy to my own mind. I constantly think and fixate, often on sad and hurtful things. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. I hang my failings over my head, remind myself of what could have been, think about “what it”, torture myself with old memories. I can’t take that anymore. Just all the time, my own mind batters my spirit and I can’t escape it. I can’t relax or have simple moments to myself, I’ll shoot my foot with some bad thought and sour the occasion. I’m not sure how I became so grandiose, wanting perfection, so idealistic, etc. Its a pathetic mental illness to have. Maybe evolutionarily speaking it would have spurred me on, pushed me to achieve in some other time, but I despise the world. I hate other people, society, myself. I don’t even like my own family. Any friends Ive had were only ever convenience or a thin facade, a lie to try to fit in and look normal. I just want to be gone. Free of all this, of my life, the world, myself. My own mind is the worst of it though. It’s so negative and overbearing and stressful (even if I have nothing to be stressed out about, I’ll think of something). This has attributed to my self hatred a lot. I can’t be normal, I’ll never be. And I know I’ll have some psychotic break/episode again, it’ll probably get worse as I age too. Another thing is that I have social skills, am decent looking, etc, and I still can’t do it. I wish I could die and write some wizard into my will to take what good qualities I do have, what some of you wish you could have, because they’re a waste on me. Too many mistakes, too much waste, too much I can’t take thinking about anymore but just can’t stop thinking about. I want out so bad. The couple hour lull away from myself every day, where it fades into the background or I’m distracted aren’t enough. I’ll never be happy, I’ve never been, it’ll only get worse. “Happiness” is just a fix, a hit of a drug, a second’s respite for me. Not a real thing, something that I’ll have or feel. Just some sick lie that makes the hamster in my brain keep running. Soon it’ll run out completely, and that thought it “this could be my last day” will be all that is left
I relate to what you've said. Had I a fool proof way of kms, like a gun, i would have probably done it already. And the thing is, it is not really the me that is the problem, not entirely at least. It is the whole physical reality and the human nature as a whole. This rat race has no purpose outside pleasure, which is not really pleasurable in the long run. Everything is pleasure, even spiritual stuff, and yet pleasure is actually pain in disguise. There is no escape from this reality, from this false duality. Even if I was a successful norman with good life, it would still be a pleasure chasing existence, i'd still be a slave to nature, I would still suffer, but would be blind to the nature of it.
Right now it is indeed a purposeless slog. I am not sure of what to do.
If you spent 1/10 of the effort and time you put into writing these texts into experiencing with things and trying to find something you enjoy then you would be more stable mentally, don't you think? Don't feel pity for yourself, it's a waste of time and energy. Be harsh on yourself without getting overly sentimental. And don't have ridiculous expectations of yourself and of the world. Because you will be disappointed all the time.>>265141>Had I a fool proof way of kms, like a gun, i would have probably done it already
This cope still around? God.>This rat race has no purpose outside pleasure, which is not really pleasurable in the long run.>pleasure is actually pain in disguise
Good eye. So pursue suffering for yourself and inflict suffering on others. It is fun.
What would make you happy? If God appeared before you and told you there was some epic higher purpose to your life? Or if someone else gave your life meaning? It's been said many times here, you can give your life meaning the best because you know yourself, hopefully.
It feels like you and many others here decided NOT to be happy at any cost. Well, being miserable and feeling pity for yourself is a journey of its own kind, I travelled along that road too before I got bored of it. Have fun.
Yeah I used to be really into that stuff, reading everything about everything. It's all useless, a borderline lie, sad coping. God isn't real and if it is it doesn't care about my or humanity in general's stupidity. Sometimes I daydream about dying and entering my own dreamscape, making things how I think I'd like them with full access to my brain. Everything I've sensed, read, stored in my brain or felt. It'd still be pointless? I could have a big castle, endless food, place myself into lives of my choosing, be anyone I wanted. Maybe just fly around and LARP as superman or something. It'd still end up making me sick. Even if I could trick myself from some god-like form into thinking 'I did it on my own' or some such, it wouldn't matter. None of it does. I don't understand why I'm alive, I don't care how, and I don't want to go on on and on day in and day out pretending there is some value in 'memories' or 'living a full life' etc. to just die the same. I'd rather just get it over with and go lights out. Well I will soon enough. I thought once I had the poison in my hands I might have a turn of heart, that the option would be enough comfort in and of itself, but not really. I hate those little turns of heart, the second long moments where some chemical makes me feel/think 'it's not SO bad', but it really is. I know better than to latch on to such things at this point. I still want to drink it down, lower myself into bed one last time, and drift off with a faint little smile. Then all of this will be gone, nothing to remember, nothing to despair over or beat myself up with. Truth be told I'm a little excited.
>>265146>you should try to find something you enjoy don't you think?
…>decided NOT to be happy
I don't think to 'be' happy or 'be' unhappy is something people really 'decide' on personally>So pursue suffering for yourself and inflict suffering on others. It is fun.
>>265146> If God appeared before you and told you there was some epic higher purpose to your life?
Not that anon but if God appeared to me I would use those precious seconds to try to put God six feet under. The bastard rarely takes physical form so you almost never have a chance to kill him
I like your attitude
Wow this is exactly how I feel. I vividly remember being a kid and always wanting to be an entertainer or artist but my parents never cared or even asked they always just forced me to do things. By the time I was 16 my mom was yelling at me to get a minimum wage job because she was tired of paying for things and let me know that I had no chance at anything else. Now she complains constantly about how much she hates her life and her job and so do I and it makes me wonder what sort of psychopathic would want their kids to endure the same or worse that they went through. I’ll never understand the world we live
what am I looking at?
Calm down, Matthew.
Woke up and had to go somewhere during the period where school children are walking to school, I hadn’t seen it in a few years. All I could think going past hundreds of kids is how much I should never have existed. These kids are happy, they probably have goals and wants, they have some connection to the world. I was a neurotic and depressed mess from a young age, barely being shaped in to a human being. I wanted to kill myself when I was 12 and it’s been 2 decades since; I was in a consciousness that never was part of this world.
>>265164>more successful than you
oh youre one of those types of "wizards"
The mysterious group known as Wizards That Succeed (At Fucking).
Same - I hate accidentally going outside when teenagers are coming home from school, I have to tactically cross the street and maneuver myself to stay as far away as possible because I don't want to be ridiculed, seeing happy young people (especially laughing) taps straight into my inferiority complex and makes me want to die.
Really? I always feel the opposite. Stupid fucking kids have to spend years in school being little slaves while I did my time and am now a free man. I hated school as a kid and assumed most kids do, I feel nothing but contempt for those kids as they have to slog through school for another 4-10 years at least.
Man with a capital M cannot lose illusion, only tangle!
This is very deep. Ever tried surviving shelling or an air raid?
Forgetting what I'm saying/thinking WHILE doing it is a daily occurrence for me, it has been since I was 13 years old or so. Interestingly enough I was just fine up until that age, maybe I just received brain damage at some point or whatever
thank you for using the expression "did my time" when referring to school, because that's exactly what it is, a fucking prison, if you live in a shitty area it can be nearly just as violent too
>Parents having friends over for dinner
>Leave so i don't bring the mood down or embarrass them
>Long night walk in other town over
>Walk past family on playground
>Dad chases after me and accuses me of asking his daughter "why are you here?"
>Loose it after being on edge for months now
>"Don't get hostile with me"
> realise i'm just making my self look worse but i don't stop sperging
>He "allows" me to leave and tells me not to come back
>Tell him to fuck off
>Get macdonalds for dinner
>Can here Mczoomers ragging on me through drive through window
>It taste like utter shit
Probably the worst Saturday i've had a in a while. Wish i could truly go hikki/neet again because i'm so fucking tired of having to be around people.
>>265150>I don't think to 'be' happy or 'be' unhappy is something people really 'decide' on personally
How you think and how your mind filters the world has a great impact on your emotional and mental well-being. Being happy is a decision because you can be the richest man on Earth and have everything but still be unhappy because of unrealistic expectations. "Why am I only king of the world, I want to be god, life sucks man…">>265155
Have you ever thought that maybe you should hit people who believe in God? God is just a concept after all. You can fight God by fighting his followers on Earth. Go bully christians, I love to do that.>>265190
This existence is but one big illusion so I guess you are right.
[Last 50 Posts]
A quick calculation. With 12 years of school, each year consisting of 180 school days, with school taking roughly 10 hours out of the day each school day, means that I spent more or less 21600 hours in school doing nothing but admiring the beautiful, smelly bright yellow walls.
For comparison, I started learning Japanese last year and spent roughly 600 hours for that purpose, including the time spent "immersing", watching anime to better my listening comprehension, reading novels and manga, and so on. I can currently do any of those without any effort and understand 99% of everything. Instead of slogging through all those schools filled with crackhead students and teachers, I could have learnt 36 fucking languages instead, at a carefree pace. Well, my brain wouldn't be able to retain all that though.