R: 257 / I: 37
Previous: >>281041
Depression Crawl Thread LVII
Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.Previous: >>281041
R: 55 / I: 9
Here's my resume: never had any friends, bullied during school, uni dropout but basically never went to high school, very poor (no income), obviously never had any gf, the last time I talked someone my age was since high school basically. I can't get used to the loneliness… I also have a very poor health, and no one to help me with it.
What's your life status and how do you cope with it?
I personally try to cope with video games, anime and a bit of drug (alcohol and opioid mostly). But that hardly works… Sometimes I'm into my game or I'm high enough to be ok, but most of the time I'm depressed or suffering or both. I wish I were dead since I'm 12, I'm 25 now.
How do we get used to it?
How are we supposed to get used to loneliness and the fact that our life is fucked up?Here's my resume: never had any friends, bullied during school, uni dropout but basically never went to high school, very poor (no income), obviously never had any gf, the last time I talked someone my age was since high school basically. I can't get used to the loneliness… I also have a very poor health, and no one to help me with it.
What's your life status and how do you cope with it?
I personally try to cope with video games, anime and a bit of drug (alcohol and opioid mostly). But that hardly works… Sometimes I'm into my game or I'm high enough to be ok, but most of the time I'm depressed or suffering or both. I wish I were dead since I'm 12, I'm 25 now.
R: 7 / I: 0
Basically tulpa thread
Tulpas
Has anyone considered creating a tulpa as a companion? Anyone that has one have any experiences to share?Basically tulpa thread
R: 90 / I: 7
Highschool
What was highschool like for you guys? I feel like highschool shaped me into who I am and not in a good way. Constantly getting the shit kicked out of me and being laughed at by my female peers is what set me on the path of wizardy to begin with, but I guess I can't complain, a friend of mine from Russia got cigarettes put out on him at school. The worst part is parents and teachers harping on about how those are the best years of your life. Maybe for the genetically gifted, I guess I didn't deserve to have the "best years of my life"
R: 13 / I: 0
How many people have killed themselves on this site so far?
How many people have killed themselves on this site so far?
R: 191 / I: 15
Suicide General - Pure Agony Edition
Suicide general, - Discuss everything suicide related here.
R: 21 / I: 1
>Explain that I feel like I've never been given a fair shake by some people just because of it
>"But you're handsome and beautiful in your own way! You shouldn't care what others think!"
It's hopeless isn't it?
Why did I even bother?
>Venting to succubus over insecurities in my looks that I've had since 11yrs old>Explain that I feel like I've never been given a fair shake by some people just because of it
>"But you're handsome and beautiful in your own way! You shouldn't care what others think!"
It's hopeless isn't it?
R: 49 / I: 5
It can and it will always get worse.
No matter how the future plays out I can be sure that im gonna suffer in worse ways then I have so far, it can always always get that much worse the ride never ends untill you die, and from all of the bullshit that happens not even that is sure, its possible that this torment will continue forever damn it all
It can and it will always get worse.
No matter how the future plays out I can be sure that im gonna suffer in worse ways then I have so far, it can always always get that much worse the ride never ends untill you die, and from all of the bullshit that happens not even that is sure, its possible that this torment will continue forever damn it all
R: 67 / I: 1
i ruined everything i ruined the ony friendship i had by doing the worst imaginable thing i could possibly do and now its all over they will never trust me again its irredeemable and irreparable i lost the only person i cared about because my mind fabricates events and feelings and i dont know what to do anymore i am filled with despair regret and guilt
i ruined everything i ruined the ony friendship i had by doing the worst imaginable thing i could possibly do and now its all over they will never trust me again its irredeemable and irreparable i lost the only person i cared about because my mind fabricates events and feelings and i dont know what to do anymore i am filled with despair regret and guilt
R: 274 / I: 36
Share whatever's on your head. Your latest favorite substance, the hardships of being a fiend on top of being a wizard, favorite drinks, worst drinks, substances you wish you had, drugs you wish you never tried, your experience with withdrawals, etc.
>drinking or using drugs=social interaction
Using/acquiring drugs or alcohol is not inherently social (compare it to the act of acquiring and eating food, are those inherently social? not really).
Drugs & alcohol general #2
It's not a secret that lots of wizards abuse alcohol and/or drugs for any reason (i.e. to cope), some might even consider themselves alcoholics and/or drug addicts. Using is a big part of our lives and we should have a space to express our daily experience.Share whatever's on your head. Your latest favorite substance, the hardships of being a fiend on top of being a wizard, favorite drinks, worst drinks, substances you wish you had, drugs you wish you never tried, your experience with withdrawals, etc.
>drinking or using drugs=social interaction
Using/acquiring drugs or alcohol is not inherently social (compare it to the act of acquiring and eating food, are those inherently social? not really).
R: 182 / I: 17
Previous edition
>>277810
Wageslave General
The pursuit of happiness is a bunch of bullshit edition.Previous edition
>>277810
R: 80 / I: 5
Are there any turd worlders here who understand my pain? How do you cope? I have tried cutting media and shows from the first world, as they make me feel miserable afterwards, but watching them is just too addicting.
How do I as a Poor Retarded Pajeet make peace with the fact that I'll never get to live in America?
I know that majority of Indians will probably never leave India. But I grew up watching American movies as a kid, I was frequently bullied by my parents and people around me which made me seek un-Indian media, an escapism of sorts. And some of the happiest memories of my shitty childhood involve watching movies like 'Dr. Dolittle', 'Home Alone', and 'Baby's Day Out', I have always dreamt of how cool life could be in America, with sexy highways, unbelievably beautiful nature, big houses, pick-up trucks, polite people, less pollution, and incredibly minuscule population density compared to the shithole where I live.Are there any turd worlders here who understand my pain? How do you cope? I have tried cutting media and shows from the first world, as they make me feel miserable afterwards, but watching them is just too addicting.
R: 10 / I: 2
Finding Hope in the Afterlife
Anyone else believes that what await us in the afterlife is something good? Whether it's Heaven or something else. But I just feel like it will be better.
R: 106 / I: 7
I spent the last years on imageboards, video games, tv, random youtube videos and got 0 skills or life experience.
With 31 people my age who either have a job or skills already got 10+ years of experience in the said thing. So I feel hopelessly behind and every time I want to learn something I start kicking myself for not doing it sooner when I had better conditions. My life was pretty comfy compared to now 10 years ago and I feel terrible wasting it. Now I can't say I'm ~finding myself~ anymore, I get less financial support and my health is getting worse and past 30+ the odds of random health issues increase on top of the constant regret over wasted time.
I know the robotic answer is that I can't change the past so it's pointless to think about but how can I really make peace with it mentally instead of trying to suppress these negative emotions with logic?
31 and no skills
How do I stop thinking about my lost years?I spent the last years on imageboards, video games, tv, random youtube videos and got 0 skills or life experience.
With 31 people my age who either have a job or skills already got 10+ years of experience in the said thing. So I feel hopelessly behind and every time I want to learn something I start kicking myself for not doing it sooner when I had better conditions. My life was pretty comfy compared to now 10 years ago and I feel terrible wasting it. Now I can't say I'm ~finding myself~ anymore, I get less financial support and my health is getting worse and past 30+ the odds of random health issues increase on top of the constant regret over wasted time.
I know the robotic answer is that I can't change the past so it's pointless to think about but how can I really make peace with it mentally instead of trying to suppress these negative emotions with logic?
R: 15 / I: 0
Perhaps Metal Gear Solid 2 has become reality: (((the patriots))) control information and as such they have created a world that is almost wholly built on deception, or similarly saturated in endless fake narratives. Is the absence of truth causing people to go mad??
Cannot think/Brain-fog continued
Wizards, I am discovering many reports of increased mental cloudiness in many unrelated parts of the internet. People generally to my judgement at least appear slower and more aggressive these days than in years past. The color of their minds has become grayer and far less sharp, if you will. Even the world itself feels "less real" and more muddled. Disassociation amongst normans is likewise being reported at higher rates today. What is going on exactly?Perhaps Metal Gear Solid 2 has become reality: (((the patriots))) control information and as such they have created a world that is almost wholly built on deception, or similarly saturated in endless fake narratives. Is the absence of truth causing people to go mad??
R: 221 / I: 13
Traumatic Experiences
Share your various traumatic experiences that still haunts you to this very day.
R: 20 / I: 0
Then since these things have no easy, fast solutions I retreat back into distractions.
Anyone else experiencing this?
The situation awareness cycle
I live with my parents and NEET and keep my mind occupied with the internet and entertainment but occasionally something will happen to remind me of my situation and I get baffled and stunned over how I got myself into this mess. Like my parents mostly let me be but once in a while they will ask me what I am doing and when I will get a job and I sadly have no answer or they will have obnoxious guests over that make me wish I had my own place. Or I get reminded of something and it makes me realize how much time has passed with me making 0 progress.Then since these things have no easy, fast solutions I retreat back into distractions.
Anyone else experiencing this?
R: 245 / I: 11
i'm starting on them (Citalopram) tomorrow and im scared that ill gain weight from it
anti depressants
please post your experiences with anti depressants herei'm starting on them (Citalopram) tomorrow and im scared that ill gain weight from it
R: 127 / I: 19
What is your biggest wish or dream that you long for with all your soul?
We both know it'll probably never come true
What is your biggest wish or dream that you long for with all your soul?
We both know it'll probably never come true
R: 4 / I: 0
What's the reason for this? Is this the result of my lifestyle? Or is my mental state declining?
Not feeling alive
Life does not feel real to me most of the time. It's not even a result of sleep deprivation, since i feel the exact same on weekends too. I have trouble describing it, but life just feels like a dream or movie a lot of times. Sometimes I'm not even sure if this life is real. This might just be a dream or a matrix or something else. Because I don't feel anything.What's the reason for this? Is this the result of my lifestyle? Or is my mental state declining?
R: 34 / I: 0
Am I sinful for talking about how shitty God's creation is and wanting to change how nature works, With wholesome intentions behind it? No one is ugly, no one is mentally ill, no one is isolated, people have an identity /personality that best suits them. Create a sexless genderless society where we find intimacy in admiration rather than lust and playing games. Nothing has or needs value because we are spiritually satisfied already.
Am I sinful for talking about how shitty God's creation is and wanting to change how nature works, With wholesome intentions behind it? No one is ugly, no one is mentally ill, no one is isolated, people have an identity /personality that best suits them. Create a sexless genderless society where we find intimacy in admiration rather than lust and playing games. Nothing has or needs value because we are spiritually satisfied already.
R: 7 / I: 0
It makes no sense spending anytime anywhere, including here whatever has been said, has been said a thousand times over.
MFW I don't have a single photo of myself.
How is it even possible to have such an unremarkable and horrible life like I do. This is something that I want to share, I post on the interent, including here because I want to be heard, and I want to show people that I exist, and I have realised that this is attention whorery. I have also realised that I will never rise above this. I just want to show people that I exist.It makes no sense spending anytime anywhere, including here whatever has been said, has been said a thousand times over.
R: 10 / I: 0
I wish I could have any desire fulfilled by I can't. I am hard capped by my body, intelligence and the time I was born in and the passing of time.
I find it so lame how you only get 1 chance with the starting point you are given. There are so many things I wish I could experience but I will never be able to because I'm too incapable or simply because the time has passed.
But life is not a video game that I decided to play. It just is. No one said you will be able to fulfill any desire you want.
But idk it's just so hard to accept. Right now I'm kinda just distracting myself from thinking too much about anything. But the moment I do I become aware of how everything I did so far were just shallow distractions.
How to accept how mundane life is?
I think it's because I've missed out on having friends and instead isolated myself that I have unrealistic desires of life.I wish I could have any desire fulfilled by I can't. I am hard capped by my body, intelligence and the time I was born in and the passing of time.
I find it so lame how you only get 1 chance with the starting point you are given. There are so many things I wish I could experience but I will never be able to because I'm too incapable or simply because the time has passed.
But life is not a video game that I decided to play. It just is. No one said you will be able to fulfill any desire you want.
But idk it's just so hard to accept. Right now I'm kinda just distracting myself from thinking too much about anything. But the moment I do I become aware of how everything I did so far were just shallow distractions.
R: 6 / I: 0
I am kinda rich but (so far) not pretty-boyish. I took refuge in wealth and championed wealth Inequality. I deliberately defended Inequality.
I made some Intel work to have like, 40 working-class leftist militants fired from their job; without compensation. I convinced friends to vote anti-labor candidate. I humiliated street vendors.
all this because of insecurity\bitterness.
When youre beatiful, money becomes asinine to you. its like offering elon musk a bag of pennies.
what can I do? I hate myself for not-being a (male) model and I hate anyone who thinks i couldnt be a male model. I try to deliberately make everyone's around me life as bad as possible. I have become an odious , insufferable personality.
please. help me.
I am kinda rich but (so far) not pretty-boyish. I took refuge in wealth and championed wealth Inequality. I deliberately defended Inequality.
I made some Intel work to have like, 40 working-class leftist militants fired from their job; without compensation. I convinced friends to vote anti-labor candidate. I humiliated street vendors.
all this because of insecurity\bitterness.
When youre beatiful, money becomes asinine to you. its like offering elon musk a bag of pennies.
what can I do? I hate myself for not-being a (male) model and I hate anyone who thinks i couldnt be a male model. I try to deliberately make everyone's around me life as bad as possible. I have become an odious , insufferable personality.
please. help me.
R: 14 / I: 0
HOW THE FUCK are people able to focus on one thing?
I've been spending all day every day on imageboards for 15 years now but I reached a point where I just can't take the low quality of posts anymore. I want to read books, learn some skills and play some games but I am so used to zero commitment content that I get paralyzed by the decision what to dedicate my time to. I am the kind of guy who will spend 1 hour just thinking about what movie to watch.
Having this access to free/cheap nearly limitless information is both a blessing and a curse.
HOW THE FUCK are people able to focus on one thing?
I've been spending all day every day on imageboards for 15 years now but I reached a point where I just can't take the low quality of posts anymore. I want to read books, learn some skills and play some games but I am so used to zero commitment content that I get paralyzed by the decision what to dedicate my time to. I am the kind of guy who will spend 1 hour just thinking about what movie to watch.
Having this access to free/cheap nearly limitless information is both a blessing and a curse.
R: 91 / I: 5
(1) Know that I care about you guys deeply and sincerely. Call me a faggot, I don't care.
(2) Examine what you are eating. For example, gluten especially produces depressive/psychotic episodes in sensitive autistic individuals. Sugar also is not healthy for your brain.
(3) Make sure you are getting sufficient sleep. Chronic sleeplessness or even a few days' worth of irregular sleep can seriously interfere with the clarity of our thinking.
(4) Clean up. Taking a warm shower and putting on fresh clean clothes always is refreshing and helps to break up darkened mental habits.
(5) Breathe fresh air. Open the windows to your wiz-cave and allow some wind to come in.
(6) Watch your breathing. When we are panicked, our breathing can become very disordered and we do not recognize the effect this has on our thinking. Take deep, purposeful breaths, and collect your thoughts.
(7) Respect yourself. You have done your best to survive in an awful world, and you should grant yourself forgiveness for any mistakes and the allowance to rest with a composed and balanced mind.
I've done my part. Anyone else?
Anti-Suicide General
The purpose of this thread is to counter the general tenor of sadness that defines all the other threads. This thread will therefore feature practical advice about reducing suicidal behavior even when we feel most suicidal. Naturally, being that I started the topic, I will be the first to contribute.(1) Know that I care about you guys deeply and sincerely. Call me a faggot, I don't care.
(2) Examine what you are eating. For example, gluten especially produces depressive/psychotic episodes in sensitive autistic individuals. Sugar also is not healthy for your brain.
(3) Make sure you are getting sufficient sleep. Chronic sleeplessness or even a few days' worth of irregular sleep can seriously interfere with the clarity of our thinking.
(4) Clean up. Taking a warm shower and putting on fresh clean clothes always is refreshing and helps to break up darkened mental habits.
(5) Breathe fresh air. Open the windows to your wiz-cave and allow some wind to come in.
(6) Watch your breathing. When we are panicked, our breathing can become very disordered and we do not recognize the effect this has on our thinking. Take deep, purposeful breaths, and collect your thoughts.
(7) Respect yourself. You have done your best to survive in an awful world, and you should grant yourself forgiveness for any mistakes and the allowance to rest with a composed and balanced mind.
I've done my part. Anyone else?
R: 50 / I: 1
post your an hero music
post your an hero music
R: 10 / I: 0
im becoming a wagie against my will~
Welp, the time has come. I'm finally at the stage of my NEETlife where my parents are threatening to kick me out if I dont find a job. Well, my dad and his gf are threatening me anyway. It sucks because she's such a vindictive whore that wears a huge niceness mask whenever she's around me, but obviously talks shit about me as soon as I leave the room. I'll hear her phone conversations with my father, and she'll just go on and on about how much of a worthless leech I am. It's funny because she hasn't worked a day in her life, and is currently leeching off my father. Guess she wants me out of the picture so she can have him all to herself? succubi are possessive like that, it's fucking scary. But, I guess I'll have to overcome my autism and do the "fake it till ya make it" method everyone always talks about. I'll also need a licence, which I've been trying to get for years. I scheduled a driving test, hope I dont get a shitty tester that marks me for mistakes I didnt even make like last time. Do any of you wagiewizzies have some advice for me? I plan on becoming a stockclerk since i dont get easily overwhelmed by physical work, but I still need to overcome my tism when it comes to the job interview. How do I easily fake my emotions and put on a happy face so the interviewer doesnt get pissed off and deny me?
R: 11 / I: 0
It happened again
You know those dreams that show you, your real emotions. How empty and helpless your truly feel under the masquerade of dopamine driven hedonism, as your consciousness falls into a dark hole of unconscious with only the feeling of sorrow and restlessness to validate your own existence by being taunted a few glimpse of beauty that you lack mentally and physically. Constantly drifting in a wave of pain and suffering of feeling insignificant and hatred for my own identity. Noticed this feeling take place when awake, mentally lost and mindless when thinking about something or think about nothing at all. Coming to reconcile that I'm an NPC or soulless to some degree. Yet feel restless, if I'm soulless why does the desire for beauty, not just physically but mentally always become a constant burden to bare. How do I ascend without accepting myself. R: 15 / I: 0
In the recent years I noticed that privacy is completely dead and everyone is obsessed with posting themselves and others online.
I can't have a hobby or a job without being posted and if I complain people will think I'm weird.
This has become Big Brother and the only way to not be recorded is to not leave the house.
I hate that every nobody has to take pictures of themselves and post it to get some clout or whatever the fuck they are seeking.
It is so bizarre because I have been on the internet back when people didn't like to be expose themselves all over it.
One day I will be on my death bed in the hospital and they will take pictures of me and post them online.
They got what they wanted. No need for microchips as everyone is a walking CCTV these days.
I can't handle this anymore.
Does anyone hate this like me? How do I stop people from filming me and posting me online?
Consistently getting recorded and leaked
Today I went to a class and I got recorded and posted online even after I performed like shit.In the recent years I noticed that privacy is completely dead and everyone is obsessed with posting themselves and others online.
I can't have a hobby or a job without being posted and if I complain people will think I'm weird.
This has become Big Brother and the only way to not be recorded is to not leave the house.
I hate that every nobody has to take pictures of themselves and post it to get some clout or whatever the fuck they are seeking.
It is so bizarre because I have been on the internet back when people didn't like to be expose themselves all over it.
One day I will be on my death bed in the hospital and they will take pictures of me and post them online.
They got what they wanted. No need for microchips as everyone is a walking CCTV these days.
I can't handle this anymore.
Does anyone hate this like me? How do I stop people from filming me and posting me online?
R: 32 / I: 0
>know succubus who was raped at 13 years old
>the rapist is found guilty but serves no time in jail
>succubus tries to kill herself twice and is now heavily medicated living as a shell of her former self
>finally realize on the deepest level there is no reward in life whatsoever for being good and to get ahead one must be malicious and indifferent to others
Somehow this has been edifying. I always knew things, but now I believe them.
>know succubus who was raped at 13 years old
>the rapist is found guilty but serves no time in jail
>succubus tries to kill herself twice and is now heavily medicated living as a shell of her former self
>finally realize on the deepest level there is no reward in life whatsoever for being good and to get ahead one must be malicious and indifferent to others
Somehow this has been edifying. I always knew things, but now I believe them.
R: 22 / I: 4
My dilemma: I know 3D, I know music, I've done some drawing, some sculpting, some carving, some painting.. I've made maps for video games and I've programmed games in flash. I've been actively learning things in my neetness since 2008.. But to what end? Every time I get in to something, I find worth in something else. I want to make something, but I don't know what, and if I ended up settling for something based on a diceroll, I would need every skill to be brought up to modern adequacy. When I was a lad I would wake up smiling thinking "what will I learn today? :)", but now as a fat eldery (29) y/o sack of gas, I wake up thinking "What will I settle on wasting time with today? >:("
And I see this in other wizards too.. I see your desktop thread screenshots posts with all your softwares.. I see the unity games you made, the things you tried to do.. But are you focusing on just one thing, getting proficient in something instead of just dablling with many things? It is better to have a LOT of Legos than it is to have SOME Legos and a bunch of other toys that can't be built with. I just want the passion to settle for one thing and stick to it, it's like everything is a distraction for the distractions.
Reply if you relate. Reply if you don't anyway I like replies to my threads :)
supercritical 99 I kill the president
[ 1d99 = 7 ]
The need to DO
Absorb yourself in to this image I have made. It aims to encapsulate a feel that many wizards new and old have felt. The need to DO, to create, to experience, but in the overwhelming world of options on exactly what can be done, it's hard to settle for anything, resulting in NOTHING. Everything from mood changes to how our joints ache can determine what we consider a worthwhile time sink at any time. Justifications for doing one or the other can altered by outside forces like what is the most profitable, what will get us the most wizfriends online, or what will put us in the history books (outtakes chapter).My dilemma: I know 3D, I know music, I've done some drawing, some sculpting, some carving, some painting.. I've made maps for video games and I've programmed games in flash. I've been actively learning things in my neetness since 2008.. But to what end? Every time I get in to something, I find worth in something else. I want to make something, but I don't know what, and if I ended up settling for something based on a diceroll, I would need every skill to be brought up to modern adequacy. When I was a lad I would wake up smiling thinking "what will I learn today? :)", but now as a fat eldery (29) y/o sack of gas, I wake up thinking "What will I settle on wasting time with today? >:("
And I see this in other wizards too.. I see your desktop thread screenshots posts with all your softwares.. I see the unity games you made, the things you tried to do.. But are you focusing on just one thing, getting proficient in something instead of just dablling with many things? It is better to have a LOT of Legos than it is to have SOME Legos and a bunch of other toys that can't be built with. I just want the passion to settle for one thing and stick to it, it's like everything is a distraction for the distractions.
Reply if you relate. Reply if you don't anyway I like replies to my threads :)
supercritical 99 I kill the president
[ 1d99 = 7 ] 
R: 10 / I: 0
I tried to saviour the moment, but it went fast all the same. And i doubt myself, thinking maybe there was some way to appreciate every day that i wasn't aware of.
I dream of time travelling back to May and really appreciating it properly this time.
I keep wishing and praying to go back even though i know that's purely a fantasy.
Does anyone have advice on how to do with the fast passage of time and wishing you were in the past?
How do i beat this time anxiety?
I get really upset that the three winter months over here (May to July) went so damn fast. I love the cold weather and early darkness.I tried to saviour the moment, but it went fast all the same. And i doubt myself, thinking maybe there was some way to appreciate every day that i wasn't aware of.
I dream of time travelling back to May and really appreciating it properly this time.
I keep wishing and praying to go back even though i know that's purely a fantasy.
Does anyone have advice on how to do with the fast passage of time and wishing you were in the past?
R: 16 / I: 1
>really loved, was indeed obsessed with, the music of Arnold Schoenberg
>grew to love his Piano Concerto as my most favorite piece of music ever
>find out about this composer Richard Ratner who randomly altered pitches in the opening (while maintaining the rhythm, contour, and register of everything from the original)
>try to convince myself his version is noficably worse and that he was unable to "randomly" alter the notes because he was subconsciously trying to make a passable variation of the piece and is basically the reincarnation of Franz Schubert himself.
>try playing the piece for myself to see if I notice anything striking about how its composed
>realize you can even move various parts of the melody around and still get the same overall effect
>ohshit.jpg
>finally transpose the whole piece in Audacity
>its unrecognizable! I can tell things like what is going to happen next and tell melodies and gestural ideas but what intervals they'll come in at is a total guessing game and more importantly parts I had found beautiful were either meh or disgusting (it was like listening to the piece for the first time again but with a road-map)
>itsover.jpg
This honestly has fucked up my entire view of music and has made me want to kill myself as music was my passion and I even want/ed to be a composer. I literally have to change my entire aesthetic philosophy because of this kike now! The only thing that keeps me from quitting music altogether is the possibility of realizing what I thought Schoenberg had, which is to say a music of pure idea. But I must have had a pretty shit ear and musical sensibility to be taken in by this stuff. I am music man, life is fuck, kill everything!
>really loved, was indeed obsessed with, the music of Arnold Schoenberg
>grew to love his Piano Concerto as my most favorite piece of music ever
>find out about this composer Richard Ratner who randomly altered pitches in the opening (while maintaining the rhythm, contour, and register of everything from the original)
>try to convince myself his version is noficably worse and that he was unable to "randomly" alter the notes because he was subconsciously trying to make a passable variation of the piece and is basically the reincarnation of Franz Schubert himself.
>try playing the piece for myself to see if I notice anything striking about how its composed
>realize you can even move various parts of the melody around and still get the same overall effect
>ohshit.jpg
>finally transpose the whole piece in Audacity
>its unrecognizable! I can tell things like what is going to happen next and tell melodies and gestural ideas but what intervals they'll come in at is a total guessing game and more importantly parts I had found beautiful were either meh or disgusting (it was like listening to the piece for the first time again but with a road-map)
>itsover.jpg
This honestly has fucked up my entire view of music and has made me want to kill myself as music was my passion and I even want/ed to be a composer. I literally have to change my entire aesthetic philosophy because of this kike now! The only thing that keeps me from quitting music altogether is the possibility of realizing what I thought Schoenberg had, which is to say a music of pure idea. But I must have had a pretty shit ear and musical sensibility to be taken in by this stuff. I am music man, life is fuck, kill everything!
R: 3 / I: 0
Another panic attack
Stuck in a dilemma where my personality is overly affectionate and feminine but your appearance is masculine, not even attractive masculine. Or soft on the eyes to at least relieve some of those heavy features. Picture those old cowboy movies where there is "that" one drunkard stereotype and mix that with mediterranean features. It's just so grotesque and filthy. Come to think of it maybe it is what added to my mental issues, seeing an abomination look back at you.
R: 6 / I: 0
why father has mental illness
He rarely takes a shower and does not wash his clothes. He doesn't like communicating with people, he doesn't care how he looks when he goes out, he brings home things he finds in the trash. When he is about to buy something, he buys more than he needs. He sometimes insults my mother
He also sometimes says things to himself like "I'm sick in the head" , "Woe is me" and sometimes makes a slight pained noise.
he affected my psychology. I don't want to have a child. Others should not be affected by this mental illness.
why father has mental illness
He rarely takes a shower and does not wash his clothes. He doesn't like communicating with people, he doesn't care how he looks when he goes out, he brings home things he finds in the trash. When he is about to buy something, he buys more than he needs. He sometimes insults my mother
He also sometimes says things to himself like "I'm sick in the head" , "Woe is me" and sometimes makes a slight pained noise.
he affected my psychology. I don't want to have a child. Others should not be affected by this mental illness.
R: 17 / I: 0
Ignoring emotions and retaining perfect control
I want to work on being able to ignore my emotions and stay in control of my actions despite whatever is going on underneath. I am pretty sure it is possible as this has been a goal of mine for a long time now and I have made some progress. Has anyone here managed to do this? Any tips would be appreciated. I want to be able to live a life unrestrained by things like fear, doubt and anxiety. I assume if you just brute force your way into appearing perfectly calm and composed and brute force yourself through doing the things you want to do it should be possible. The trick would be to be able to retain outward control despite strong inner emotions. I have done this before a few times, now I just need to be able to reproduce the effect consistently. R: 2 / I: 0
What's your magnitude of social isolation? Do you consider it voluntary or involuntary?
What's your magnitude of social isolation? Do you consider it voluntary or involuntary?
R: 9 / I: 0
>Buy new cheap computer from the second hand store
>Stay in my room 12 hours a day, just browsing the internet, looking at porn, playing video games, posting on forums, watching youtube, etc
>Get drunk and in a rage smash my computer with a hammer
>Spend the next while living without technology, start feeling happier, reading books in the library, waking up at a reasonable time and connecting more with family
>Repetitive negative thoughts come out of nowhere
>Stop sleeping, feel miserable, can't chase off the thoughts
>waste the little NEETBux I have on another cheap computer
>repeat
I'm up to computer 7 now, the people at the computer stores look at me like I'm a complete schizo cunt. I can't work out why I do it either.
computer smashing
For the past three years I've gone through a cycle of>Buy new cheap computer from the second hand store
>Stay in my room 12 hours a day, just browsing the internet, looking at porn, playing video games, posting on forums, watching youtube, etc
>Get drunk and in a rage smash my computer with a hammer
>Spend the next while living without technology, start feeling happier, reading books in the library, waking up at a reasonable time and connecting more with family
>Repetitive negative thoughts come out of nowhere
>Stop sleeping, feel miserable, can't chase off the thoughts
>waste the little NEETBux I have on another cheap computer
>repeat
I'm up to computer 7 now, the people at the computer stores look at me like I'm a complete schizo cunt. I can't work out why I do it either.
R: 8 / I: 0
I just want a normal relationship with my mother, not one that will argue, gaslight me, start drama, constant criticism, and evade whatever I say or try and start a conversation. It's all so tiresome to live in the guilt of neglecting your own mother but Everytime you try you are met with the realization of why in the first place. It's always an argument with her. I'm so tired of this cycle, it's very very tiring, give my mind a rest and never awaken it again.
I just want a normal relationship with my mother, not one that will argue, gaslight me, start drama, constant criticism, and evade whatever I say or try and start a conversation. It's all so tiresome to live in the guilt of neglecting your own mother but Everytime you try you are met with the realization of why in the first place. It's always an argument with her. I'm so tired of this cycle, it's very very tiring, give my mind a rest and never awaken it again.
R: 48 / I: 2
I find it strange that despite having been diagnosed with major depressive disorder (MDD ranked moderate) by a psychologist back in 2016, that my diagnosis has yet to be ranked up to "severe". Because, technically, once psychotic features (such as hallucinations and delusions) become co-morbid with depression, then the "moderate" diagnosis should automatically be ranked up to "severe". No, really. It's on the DSM and ICD. And yet, the "severe" diagnosis has yet to appear on my official medical records. MDD remains moderate, and I've been diagnosed with delusional disorder (erotomanic subtype) since 2016, and psychotic disorder not otherwise specified since 2019.
Psychosis and depression
How about a thread for those of us who are literally psychotic ON TOP of being depressed? Like, actual hallucinations 24/7.I find it strange that despite having been diagnosed with major depressive disorder (MDD ranked moderate) by a psychologist back in 2016, that my diagnosis has yet to be ranked up to "severe". Because, technically, once psychotic features (such as hallucinations and delusions) become co-morbid with depression, then the "moderate" diagnosis should automatically be ranked up to "severe". No, really. It's on the DSM and ICD. And yet, the "severe" diagnosis has yet to appear on my official medical records. MDD remains moderate, and I've been diagnosed with delusional disorder (erotomanic subtype) since 2016, and psychotic disorder not otherwise specified since 2019.
R: 11 / I: 0
I'm close to just roping, the idea of going through life detesting everyone and everything that i encounter is too much, the light and sun of my life is being extinguished, and i don't think i can manage wageslavery and the innumerable hardships of life without them
Dying Parents
The only person in the entire world who knows me, the only soul i've ever cared about is dying. I cannot imagine life without them, how do wizards who have experienced the loss of a parent cope?I'm close to just roping, the idea of going through life detesting everyone and everything that i encounter is too much, the light and sun of my life is being extinguished, and i don't think i can manage wageslavery and the innumerable hardships of life without them
R: 24 / I: 1
I found my mom's journal from 20 years ago. She is still alive but I take care of her because she has been basically an invalid since about 19 years ago. I haven't told her about it and I kinda doubt she even remembers it exists since she forgets lots of things at 72.
It starts with her saying she had read Martha Farnsworth's diaries from the early 1900s and it just kinda inspired her to write about her daily life.
Then it just spirals into about a hundred days of her wanting to kill herself due to being alone all day while the kids were at school (though she was 52 at the time of writing, I was her youngest kid, at 8 years old at that time) and because dad rarely came home for days or weeks and was openly cheating on her + doing heroin and other similar things.
She was also obsessed with Lord of the Rings. Had been for a couple decades by that point, and was excited about the movies that came out around that time. She wrote in October of 2003, a few months before the Return of the King movie was set to be released, but she was sad knowing she'd never be able to see it in a theater and would have to wait for the video tape version.
She was also sad over having no friends to talk about Lord of the Rings with. I know that home internet connections were becoming more common back then, but we never had a computer until many years later… and no internet connection for a couple years after that.
She seemed to be trying to figure out Elvish by reading LotR and books about LotR that she got from the library. There are a couple pages where she is apparently writing purely in that fictional Elvish language. I kinda doubt she really got that good of a handle on the language, but seeing as I have never read the books or know anything about the fictional tongue, I don't really know.
She stops writing a few months into 2004. I remember that a few months after that point, she suffered an aortic aneurysm, was comatose for a long time at one period of my childhood, and when released from the hospital her health just severely declined and continues to do so even now… but, when she was released, I remember her receiving "hospice care" at home for a while and being told she was almost surely going to die within a few months or years. I mean, I guess her quality of life is nothing to write home about, since she can't even go to the bathroom without my help, but the fact she didn't die despite the constant assurances from doctors that she would makes me feel a little proud, as if it's some kind of "fuck you" to the universe in some way.
In her journal I see the same kind of depression spirals that I go into, some things in almost the exact words I've said in little temporary text-file-journals. And from what I know about my dad, and what she wrote about him, I see the exact same addictive nature and behavior that I have.
There is just no end to sadness and suffering. It actually runs in my blood. If a soul exists, it must run in my soul, too.
I don't really know my exact reason for this post. I meant to write a short paragraph in the crawl thread, but I kept rambling and so I made a thread instead.
Maybe you can share stuff about what you see in your parents that you see in yourself or something like that, I don't know.
I found my mom's journal from 20 years ago. She is still alive but I take care of her because she has been basically an invalid since about 19 years ago. I haven't told her about it and I kinda doubt she even remembers it exists since she forgets lots of things at 72.
It starts with her saying she had read Martha Farnsworth's diaries from the early 1900s and it just kinda inspired her to write about her daily life.
Then it just spirals into about a hundred days of her wanting to kill herself due to being alone all day while the kids were at school (though she was 52 at the time of writing, I was her youngest kid, at 8 years old at that time) and because dad rarely came home for days or weeks and was openly cheating on her + doing heroin and other similar things.
She was also obsessed with Lord of the Rings. Had been for a couple decades by that point, and was excited about the movies that came out around that time. She wrote in October of 2003, a few months before the Return of the King movie was set to be released, but she was sad knowing she'd never be able to see it in a theater and would have to wait for the video tape version.
She was also sad over having no friends to talk about Lord of the Rings with. I know that home internet connections were becoming more common back then, but we never had a computer until many years later… and no internet connection for a couple years after that.
She seemed to be trying to figure out Elvish by reading LotR and books about LotR that she got from the library. There are a couple pages where she is apparently writing purely in that fictional Elvish language. I kinda doubt she really got that good of a handle on the language, but seeing as I have never read the books or know anything about the fictional tongue, I don't really know.
She stops writing a few months into 2004. I remember that a few months after that point, she suffered an aortic aneurysm, was comatose for a long time at one period of my childhood, and when released from the hospital her health just severely declined and continues to do so even now… but, when she was released, I remember her receiving "hospice care" at home for a while and being told she was almost surely going to die within a few months or years. I mean, I guess her quality of life is nothing to write home about, since she can't even go to the bathroom without my help, but the fact she didn't die despite the constant assurances from doctors that she would makes me feel a little proud, as if it's some kind of "fuck you" to the universe in some way.
In her journal I see the same kind of depression spirals that I go into, some things in almost the exact words I've said in little temporary text-file-journals. And from what I know about my dad, and what she wrote about him, I see the exact same addictive nature and behavior that I have.
There is just no end to sadness and suffering. It actually runs in my blood. If a soul exists, it must run in my soul, too.
I don't really know my exact reason for this post. I meant to write a short paragraph in the crawl thread, but I kept rambling and so I made a thread instead.
Maybe you can share stuff about what you see in your parents that you see in yourself or something like that, I don't know.
R: 8 / I: 0
Does anyone here wish the axis won, not because "haha le evil jews and minorities stoopid." But because of how depraved this world is. How depraved people extend their depravity onto their kids, its funny to see people who mindlessly call you fascist like its a bad thing for bringing this up will follow science until it explains genes and behavior that goes against their agenda, then use a conspiracy theory that "those people just want to ruin democracy and bring us back to the dark ages. Yes id be happy if they won, firstly I wouldn't be ugly with high amounts of mental illnesses with an addictive personality or I wouldn't exist. As long as this world isn't the way it is now id be happy and even support it. Maybe when everyone is satisfied on a higher level we wouldn't need governments and politicians we would support each other because no one has to be controlled because they have the self control not to act on impulse and just shove shit in the yaps at random at the expense of someone else. We would be able to appreciate the beauty of our surroundings than mindlessly consume. Maybe our hope is transhumanism but as it stands now only the top 1% of people will be able to afford that, or further dumb us down into being submissive and codependent. No, i'm not a nazi supporter, I just think maybe the enemy has a point. That's all.
Does anyone here wish the axis won, not because "haha le evil jews and minorities stoopid." But because of how depraved this world is. How depraved people extend their depravity onto their kids, its funny to see people who mindlessly call you fascist like its a bad thing for bringing this up will follow science until it explains genes and behavior that goes against their agenda, then use a conspiracy theory that "those people just want to ruin democracy and bring us back to the dark ages. Yes id be happy if they won, firstly I wouldn't be ugly with high amounts of mental illnesses with an addictive personality or I wouldn't exist. As long as this world isn't the way it is now id be happy and even support it. Maybe when everyone is satisfied on a higher level we wouldn't need governments and politicians we would support each other because no one has to be controlled because they have the self control not to act on impulse and just shove shit in the yaps at random at the expense of someone else. We would be able to appreciate the beauty of our surroundings than mindlessly consume. Maybe our hope is transhumanism but as it stands now only the top 1% of people will be able to afford that, or further dumb us down into being submissive and codependent. No, i'm not a nazi supporter, I just think maybe the enemy has a point. That's all.
R: 17 / I: 1
I just made a scene in a supermarket, I'm deeply ashamed of myself. I lost my cool, I was buying my psych meds and the idiot succubus cashier had a problem with her system, she couldn't issue a voucher but the payment was still debited from my bank account. They wanted me to pay twice for my meds, security had to pull me, they almost called the cops, everyone was staring at me. I ended up leaving with no meds and a charge in my bank account. Can't even fucking buy my meds online because these are psych meds.
Complete shit day, doctor diagnosed me with fatty liver, gotta check if I have scarring. I hate life, I'm going to use until I fall asleep. Being a wizard is a perpetual existence of suffering. I just want to cry and lay down and I can't.
I just made a scene in a supermarket, I'm deeply ashamed of myself. I lost my cool, I was buying my psych meds and the idiot succubus cashier had a problem with her system, she couldn't issue a voucher but the payment was still debited from my bank account. They wanted me to pay twice for my meds, security had to pull me, they almost called the cops, everyone was staring at me. I ended up leaving with no meds and a charge in my bank account. Can't even fucking buy my meds online because these are psych meds.
Complete shit day, doctor diagnosed me with fatty liver, gotta check if I have scarring. I hate life, I'm going to use until I fall asleep. Being a wizard is a perpetual existence of suffering. I just want to cry and lay down and I can't.
R: 27 / I: 1
What would you do with your time if you only had 1 year left to live?
What would you do with your time if you only had 1 year left to live?
R: 306 / I: 24
Previous: >>279036
Depression Crawl Thread LVI
Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.Previous: >>279036
R: 24 / I: 1
step one: suffer
step two: complain to god about your suffering
step three: think about how you don't actually have patience with suffering and rebel against god
step four: suffer because you think you are rebelling against god and going to hell
how do i break this stupid cycle of mental illness
step one: suffer
step two: complain to god about your suffering
step three: think about how you don't actually have patience with suffering and rebel against god
step four: suffer because you think you are rebelling against god and going to hell
how do i break this stupid cycle of mental illness
R: 4 / I: 0
Can't even enjoy being high, ran out of drugs, only got two beers, next paycheck has yet to come. I genuinely hate life, despite my best efforts bad things will keep happening and coping without substances is impossible for me.
Hell has no basement
I just moved out by myself, basic conditions, ugly place. My room just flooded because of poor infraestructure, I just lost money I can't afford and I tagged myself as a whiny problem neighbor just for trying to solve the issue.Can't even enjoy being high, ran out of drugs, only got two beers, next paycheck has yet to come. I genuinely hate life, despite my best efforts bad things will keep happening and coping without substances is impossible for me.
R: 18 / I: 0
I am convinced i fit in literally nowhere.
In real life when i'm forced to be around others and i try to do more i just get the look.
but moreso i've been banned from every single chan. I've been permanently banned from 4chan for things i didn't do and i'm rangebanned also. I've tried to get a 4chan pass but its so difficult. I'm banned here too. 3 times and i have to proxy just to post with no image. I am convinced that nomrgroids want to keep me down. my very presence is an affront to them. i'm too off beat. I am so mad right now because its been a year of just getting banned constantly for doing nothing wrong or for stuff other people did. I wish i was schizophrenic so i could blame the reptilians or something but real torture is being kept lucid through all of my horrid life.
I am convinced i fit in literally nowhere.
In real life when i'm forced to be around others and i try to do more i just get the look.
but moreso i've been banned from every single chan. I've been permanently banned from 4chan for things i didn't do and i'm rangebanned also. I've tried to get a 4chan pass but its so difficult. I'm banned here too. 3 times and i have to proxy just to post with no image. I am convinced that nomrgroids want to keep me down. my very presence is an affront to them. i'm too off beat. I am so mad right now because its been a year of just getting banned constantly for doing nothing wrong or for stuff other people did. I wish i was schizophrenic so i could blame the reptilians or something but real torture is being kept lucid through all of my horrid life.
R: 28 / I: 1
It's a silly thing but whenever I watch a product review before a purchase decison they will say something like "is it worth your hard earned money" and it reminds me of how fucked up it is that I am getting money to buy products others worked on for nothing. Or when I watch one of these "how it's made" videos that show people working in factories on something I can buy with NEETbux. Also someone on an imageboard told me to kms because I am wasting resources but I live a pretty humble life and while I am a useless consoomer I also don't go out of my way to hurt others.
But then again when I think about it would it be much different if I had a job? Am I not more bothered by the asymmetry or pay/effort? If I had an office job I would have a job but I might be filling out spreadsheets and not directly creating anything of value. So often I read about office workers bragging about spending their work time on the internet, playing games or watching tv. Also there is the entire finance world where they make money by juggling assets. Since hating on NEETs is against the rules here this might not be the place for an unbiased opinion but the other way around on normal sites I wouldn't get a levelheaded response I think.
Shame of being NEET
How do you deal with this?It's a silly thing but whenever I watch a product review before a purchase decison they will say something like "is it worth your hard earned money" and it reminds me of how fucked up it is that I am getting money to buy products others worked on for nothing. Or when I watch one of these "how it's made" videos that show people working in factories on something I can buy with NEETbux. Also someone on an imageboard told me to kms because I am wasting resources but I live a pretty humble life and while I am a useless consoomer I also don't go out of my way to hurt others.
But then again when I think about it would it be much different if I had a job? Am I not more bothered by the asymmetry or pay/effort? If I had an office job I would have a job but I might be filling out spreadsheets and not directly creating anything of value. So often I read about office workers bragging about spending their work time on the internet, playing games or watching tv. Also there is the entire finance world where they make money by juggling assets. Since hating on NEETs is against the rules here this might not be the place for an unbiased opinion but the other way around on normal sites I wouldn't get a levelheaded response I think.
R: 8 / I: 0
Ironically with the rising acceptance of depression I started to feel ashamed of this diagnose because it starts to sound like a meme.
What is depression?
Despite trying to treat it as early as when I was in school I still don't have any clear idea what depression is. There are so many general symptoms that it sounds like anyone going through a bad time can get diagnosed. I don't feel a sense of community from depression forums because everyone experiences is totally different. Some can't get out of bed, are all alone, while others work just fine at high performance jobs while also maintaining a family. Then the treatment is meds with none having higher than 50% certainty to work and some therapy with typical self-help advice.Ironically with the rising acceptance of depression I started to feel ashamed of this diagnose because it starts to sound like a meme.
R: 10 / I: 0
I can't join the military ,or the police, or explore the planet, or be a billionarie. But I can Retain for 200 days with 0 wet dreams. i would be in the top 0,00000001% of men alive on the planet (or in the ISS- where they wank). I would be a living Relic.
truly, its the only esoteric and practical skill Im bright at. and its becoming my only goal, to which achievement I devoted extensive and grueling study and operations.
semen retention is my only goal and skill
So far, I have, Im having, wet dreams every 7 or 11 days. sometimes 2 in 10 days. so, its not TRUE Retention. I feel SR, the true deal, is my only goal, skill and boon.I can't join the military ,or the police, or explore the planet, or be a billionarie. But I can Retain for 200 days with 0 wet dreams. i would be in the top 0,00000001% of men alive on the planet (or in the ISS- where they wank). I would be a living Relic.
truly, its the only esoteric and practical skill Im bright at. and its becoming my only goal, to which achievement I devoted extensive and grueling study and operations.
R: 16 / I: 1
I don't know what to do to pass the time. I've realized I don't like doing anything anymore.
What should I do?
I don't know what to do to pass the time. I've realized I don't like doing anything anymore.
What should I do?
R: 53 / I: 3
Nature= DNA our parents gave us
Nurture= Our upbringing + neighborhood our parents provided for us
Nature + Nurture = Us
Nature= 100% parents
Nurture= 80% parents
What can't we blame our parents for?
We are the sum total of Nature + NurtureNature= DNA our parents gave us
Nurture= Our upbringing + neighborhood our parents provided for us
Nature + Nurture = Us
Nature= 100% parents
Nurture= 80% parents
R: 19 / I: 1
And what do they see? Tbh, I would rather be a mass shooter than a serial killer, but of course I am too pussy to do either. I just don’t get it. Why are people so judgmental? They think they’re so nice and accepting but in reality they are very hateful. Sometime I wish I was normal like them, but then I realize that I am happy I am this way, I would never want to be normal like them.
Have people told you that you give off strange vibes?
At least 5 different succubi have told me that I give of serial killer vibes. Strangely enough, no one told me that I give off school shooter vibes, hm. What could this mean? How do I come off as a serial killer? I think I act pretty normal in public, hide my emotions well. I’m just an average joe, and yet people supposedly see though the curtains.And what do they see? Tbh, I would rather be a mass shooter than a serial killer, but of course I am too pussy to do either. I just don’t get it. Why are people so judgmental? They think they’re so nice and accepting but in reality they are very hateful. Sometime I wish I was normal like them, but then I realize that I am happy I am this way, I would never want to be normal like them.
R: 8 / I: 1
Its worse when its forced on me by others.
I dont want responsability for things I dont want to remember times I have to go somewhere I cant handle it well mentally.
Maybe my brain is just rotten and deteriorated alot more then I like to believe or maybe someonce can relate.
I dont know.
All I know is that being forced into situations of high responsibility is driving me nuts
The weight of responsibility
There are few things as annoying as being responsible for things, even things for myself.Its worse when its forced on me by others.
I dont want responsability for things I dont want to remember times I have to go somewhere I cant handle it well mentally.
Maybe my brain is just rotten and deteriorated alot more then I like to believe or maybe someonce can relate.
I dont know.
All I know is that being forced into situations of high responsibility is driving me nuts
R: 15 / I: 0
I was again getting drunk and complaining about my life online when a very simple logical reply I got made me realize that all my life I've been looking for excuses to not do something and instead I looked for relief in complaining about how hard things are and how bad I have it.
For example for 10 years I've been wanting to learn how to draw. But every time I would make threads asking for what the perfect book/course is to start with and I would complain about how it takes years to get good instead of just sitting down and drawing. I was so concerned with being efficient when now after 10 years even a suboptimal learning method would have given me some good results.
And this happens with everything. And the scariest thing is that it's such a deep part of my psyche that I instantly started thinking how now that I am 31 it's too late for sure and I went to complain here instantly. I just feel so ashamed of myself and how pathetic I am. I wish someone would tell me it's okay but it would be a lie. B-better realize late than never right? The funniest thing is that I am someone who is really attracted to the idea of us humans rising above animalistic instincts and yet I've been chasing short term gratification like a rat. I just hope I can hold on to this realization and that I won't wake up tomorrow and go back to bitching about my life and coping.
I am so pathetic
Can I just vent for a moment?I was again getting drunk and complaining about my life online when a very simple logical reply I got made me realize that all my life I've been looking for excuses to not do something and instead I looked for relief in complaining about how hard things are and how bad I have it.
For example for 10 years I've been wanting to learn how to draw. But every time I would make threads asking for what the perfect book/course is to start with and I would complain about how it takes years to get good instead of just sitting down and drawing. I was so concerned with being efficient when now after 10 years even a suboptimal learning method would have given me some good results.
And this happens with everything. And the scariest thing is that it's such a deep part of my psyche that I instantly started thinking how now that I am 31 it's too late for sure and I went to complain here instantly. I just feel so ashamed of myself and how pathetic I am. I wish someone would tell me it's okay but it would be a lie. B-better realize late than never right? The funniest thing is that I am someone who is really attracted to the idea of us humans rising above animalistic instincts and yet I've been chasing short term gratification like a rat. I just hope I can hold on to this realization and that I won't wake up tomorrow and go back to bitching about my life and coping.
R: 29 / I: 3
I pay for all the sins of the people here. When my car worked i'd take my sister to work every day. When my other sister didn't have a car she'd borrow it twice a day every day but now she won't let me touch hers. But nobody in the house can even give me one ride to do an important thing like sell my old laptop so i can have some money for food. Somedays its quiet here but its hell most of the time.
Day in the life
Of me being NEET. dicking around on the web behind my locked door while my dysfunctional family argues with eachother daily. The house is destroyed by dogs and smells like shit, piss and vomit. Gas, electricity and water routinely go out. theres 5 cars here and only 2 of them work and are reserved for my dad and sister who will very reluctantly let me use it from time to time. I can't get a job due to being stranded here and have worked at most places all ready within a 3 mile radius. Sometimes my brother, who's abused me my whole life will visit and give me a trepidation about my future. I haven't even gotten my license yet because my dad sabotaged 7 of my Drivers license appointments by promising me he'll get me a rental to take the test, then on the day of the test he goes "whoops, sorry" (all his cars aren't registered, and even if they were they wouldn't pass inspection)I pay for all the sins of the people here. When my car worked i'd take my sister to work every day. When my other sister didn't have a car she'd borrow it twice a day every day but now she won't let me touch hers. But nobody in the house can even give me one ride to do an important thing like sell my old laptop so i can have some money for food. Somedays its quiet here but its hell most of the time.
R: 66 / I: 20
In search of the saddest image in the world
Post the saddest images you have/have seen on the internet, it can be drawing or 3D
R: 17 / I: 1
I've gone to therapy in hopes that I can attain some kind of normalcy several times, but therapy never goes far enough like I want to, and I very rarely get the opportunities I want anyway considering it always feels inconsistent and all over the place. I don't know how many times I have to hear that it's not my fault over and over until it feels like a fucking lie just to make me try more drugs that barely work. Best part is that I don't feel different after a while anyway so what's the point?
So I give up, I give into the fact that I was just born an abject failure in a society that thinks it's fucking hilarious to keep absolutely worthless people alive for 0 reason while also making it impossible for them to thrive within the environment. I know it's my fault, I spent way too many years feelings like I haven't done enough over and over, and I've just had it. Just know I tried, and I don't want to try anymore. I just want to coast and stop being such a fucking leech to everyone around me. The few friends I have can't take me anywhere because I don't want them spending money on me to do literally anything they want to do, same for the few family members that care. Don't have enough spine to go through with suicide, and I want to at least pretend I'm doing something for those family members I care about. I would hate for them to suffer. I just want to offer something in return, and so I've been looking into trying out disability. It's the USA so it feels extremely complicated, and I can barely go at it because appointment hours are always during my shitty dead-end pt job, and I can barely miss days if I don't want to ruin my already existing debt. Any help would be appreciated into figuring out how to maximize this stupid system, because these debts aren't just mine. I just want to help those that stupidly thought it was a good idea to invest in me and saw their money sink into oblivion, anything to help them and return their kindness, to care for them like they did for me. Just, not with a job like functioning people can.
USA Disability advice?
Come here to ask how to just give up and be a NEET. I've tried to be a regular member of society for 15 years and failed horrendously time and time again. Felt like I was set up for failure from the very beginning because I didn't get official confirmations of my mental illnesses until this year. I've spent many years failing over and over, getting into debt, I have absolutely nothing in my savings or to my name, and haven't had energy to sustain myself or hobbies in years.I've gone to therapy in hopes that I can attain some kind of normalcy several times, but therapy never goes far enough like I want to, and I very rarely get the opportunities I want anyway considering it always feels inconsistent and all over the place. I don't know how many times I have to hear that it's not my fault over and over until it feels like a fucking lie just to make me try more drugs that barely work. Best part is that I don't feel different after a while anyway so what's the point?
So I give up, I give into the fact that I was just born an abject failure in a society that thinks it's fucking hilarious to keep absolutely worthless people alive for 0 reason while also making it impossible for them to thrive within the environment. I know it's my fault, I spent way too many years feelings like I haven't done enough over and over, and I've just had it. Just know I tried, and I don't want to try anymore. I just want to coast and stop being such a fucking leech to everyone around me. The few friends I have can't take me anywhere because I don't want them spending money on me to do literally anything they want to do, same for the few family members that care. Don't have enough spine to go through with suicide, and I want to at least pretend I'm doing something for those family members I care about. I would hate for them to suffer. I just want to offer something in return, and so I've been looking into trying out disability. It's the USA so it feels extremely complicated, and I can barely go at it because appointment hours are always during my shitty dead-end pt job, and I can barely miss days if I don't want to ruin my already existing debt. Any help would be appreciated into figuring out how to maximize this stupid system, because these debts aren't just mine. I just want to help those that stupidly thought it was a good idea to invest in me and saw their money sink into oblivion, anything to help them and return their kindness, to care for them like they did for me. Just, not with a job like functioning people can.
R: 52 / I: 4
Last Time You Were Happy
The last time I actually felt happy was when I was 8 or 9. Everything I consider "good" is only good by virtue of being marginally less shitty than everything else out there. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I'm scared of death and want to believe I can be "happy" again. Weed is probably the closest I will get to that childlike feeling, but it makes me even more miserable and retarded when I'm sober so I know I have to stop smoking it
R: 37 / I: 3
What am I holding on for?
Bpd
Neet
28
Mixed in the Midwest
Bullshit traumas
Siblings all become functioning normies while I languish
I think about dying often then the fear of the world moving on without me seeps in all the things I'd miss out on
So many people have died and never seen some of the things I've seen and I'm scared of being one of them
If I apply for social security I know I'll just rot like Ive been doing since 2013
But if I don't I'll have to wage and be miserable while getting nothing in return
What am I doing this for?
What am I holding on for?
Bpd
Neet
28
Mixed in the Midwest
Bullshit traumas
Siblings all become functioning normies while I languish
I think about dying often then the fear of the world moving on without me seeps in all the things I'd miss out on
So many people have died and never seen some of the things I've seen and I'm scared of being one of them
If I apply for social security I know I'll just rot like Ive been doing since 2013
But if I don't I'll have to wage and be miserable while getting nothing in return
What am I doing this for?
R: 29 / I: 0
I just realized something about myself but don't know how to use this information to improve.
Every once in a while I will wonder "how did I waste several months again? Where did the time go?" only for nothing to change. And that's because I keep browsing imageboards. But why? Because I'm afraid of commitment. Browsing imageboards is something that has no clear length and that you can theoretically stop at any time. Pressing F5 just takes a second but there is (a small) chance I will see something interesting. Meanwhile watching a 150 minute long movie is a time commitment that I'm too scared to take even though I easily end up spending more time on imageboards with no good posts in the end. I will spend more times reading reviews to make sure I watch a good movie than actually watching the movie.
And it's not just the way I spend my time. Similarly with money I'm afraid of big purchases and will research them for days and procrastinate them while spending money on a lot of small things without noticing it until I look at my bank account. I also suffer from loss aversion where I will get pissed if I lose even a dollar while letting an opportunity to earn easy money pass by. I also don't value my time and will grind 10 hours in some free2play game to get a reward "for free" that would cost just $5 of real money and my brain will see that as a success.
Now that I know this how do I stop doing that?
I just realized something about myself but don't know how to use this information to improve.
Every once in a while I will wonder "how did I waste several months again? Where did the time go?" only for nothing to change. And that's because I keep browsing imageboards. But why? Because I'm afraid of commitment. Browsing imageboards is something that has no clear length and that you can theoretically stop at any time. Pressing F5 just takes a second but there is (a small) chance I will see something interesting. Meanwhile watching a 150 minute long movie is a time commitment that I'm too scared to take even though I easily end up spending more time on imageboards with no good posts in the end. I will spend more times reading reviews to make sure I watch a good movie than actually watching the movie.
And it's not just the way I spend my time. Similarly with money I'm afraid of big purchases and will research them for days and procrastinate them while spending money on a lot of small things without noticing it until I look at my bank account. I also suffer from loss aversion where I will get pissed if I lose even a dollar while letting an opportunity to earn easy money pass by. I also don't value my time and will grind 10 hours in some free2play game to get a reward "for free" that would cost just $5 of real money and my brain will see that as a success.
Now that I know this how do I stop doing that?
R: 22 / I: 3
Can you be forced to eat and drink if you're homeless? Or does no one give a shit? I just realized i'll probably die of hunger and thirst after my parents die since i don't know how to function. I don't mind at this point but i'm scared i could be force fed.
Also i'll never steal no matter how hungry i get because i'm fucking terrified of prison
Can you be forced to eat and drink if you're homeless? Or does no one give a shit? I just realized i'll probably die of hunger and thirst after my parents die since i don't know how to function. I don't mind at this point but i'm scared i could be force fed.
Also i'll never steal no matter how hungry i get because i'm fucking terrified of prison
R: 6 / I: 1
Really, just please give up.
And I do mean inexorably give up.
Give up on giving up and, similarly, give up on giving up on giving up on giving up. Let your whimsical, tractable nature as a human, no, as a wizard, allow you to submit in totality to a loving relationship, consummately upheld, with giving up– So much so, in fact, that your regular onanism has its pneumatic effulgence replaced in totality by an object that is giving up made manifest.
Deign to circumambulate around this as often, as regularly, as habitually, as customarily and as frequently as you can until you yourself are heralded as the embodiment of giving up, becoming a veritable hero in a long running series of nothing, celebrated by fans, themselves nothing, satiated by nothing and, paradoxically, substantiated by the lust of nothing in nothing breeching nothing. Give up, wizchan-kun. You must give up. You are duty bound, after all, to do so.
Duty in the sense that the maintenance of a genesis unnoted, unmarked and disregarded must be continued to an empty posterity by the physical act of literally becoming nothing realized only through giving up.
In doing all of this -in having given up completely- you will realize nothing and nothing will happen but that's perfect. It's the greatest outcome or to put it more bluntly, it's your only outcome.
But, again, an outcome of nothing is no problem. It just means that the kronos adjudicated for you binds you so and only so.
'only so?' Yes, 'only so' hence the importance in killing all activity including the activity resultant of inactivity crystalized through your symbiosis between qualia and quanta after which you will understand what ensues following truly giving up.
Here's a drawing of my own making to cheer you on.
And never forget, stagnation is no more than one of several steps needed to understand -and eventually initiate- giving up.
GIVE UP FOREVER
WizChan-Kun, please and kindly give up.Really, just please give up.
And I do mean inexorably give up.
Give up on giving up and, similarly, give up on giving up on giving up on giving up. Let your whimsical, tractable nature as a human, no, as a wizard, allow you to submit in totality to a loving relationship, consummately upheld, with giving up– So much so, in fact, that your regular onanism has its pneumatic effulgence replaced in totality by an object that is giving up made manifest.
Deign to circumambulate around this as often, as regularly, as habitually, as customarily and as frequently as you can until you yourself are heralded as the embodiment of giving up, becoming a veritable hero in a long running series of nothing, celebrated by fans, themselves nothing, satiated by nothing and, paradoxically, substantiated by the lust of nothing in nothing breeching nothing. Give up, wizchan-kun. You must give up. You are duty bound, after all, to do so.
Duty in the sense that the maintenance of a genesis unnoted, unmarked and disregarded must be continued to an empty posterity by the physical act of literally becoming nothing realized only through giving up.
In doing all of this -in having given up completely- you will realize nothing and nothing will happen but that's perfect. It's the greatest outcome or to put it more bluntly, it's your only outcome.
But, again, an outcome of nothing is no problem. It just means that the kronos adjudicated for you binds you so and only so.
'only so?' Yes, 'only so' hence the importance in killing all activity including the activity resultant of inactivity crystalized through your symbiosis between qualia and quanta after which you will understand what ensues following truly giving up.
Here's a drawing of my own making to cheer you on.
And never forget, stagnation is no more than one of several steps needed to understand -and eventually initiate- giving up.
R: 308 / I: 30
previous >>274532
Wageslave General
not caring editionprevious >>274532
R: 6 / I: 0
How should you deal with the realization that someone you thought cared about you actually doesn't really care about you at all? How do you move on from a broken friendship that you spent years of your life on?
How should you deal with the realization that someone you thought cared about you actually doesn't really care about you at all? How do you move on from a broken friendship that you spent years of your life on?
R: 40 / I: 8
>I am better than you. Much better than you. I am smarter than you. And I am more beautiful than you.
>And you are failure, dickhead, rag, moron, worthless human being, so you should listen to me!
A lot of asholes in this world, who has superiority complex.
But I guess it all started at home, at very young age. My mother, when I was under aged used to tell me also that she is much smarter than me, so I shouldnt make my own decisions, but listen to her.
I have invalid behavior patterns, I wish I could rebirth, so I could fix myself and try once again.
Asholes who speak with superiority
Lot of people in my life said to me something, but in reality the sense of their words is like that:>I am better than you. Much better than you. I am smarter than you. And I am more beautiful than you.
>And you are failure, dickhead, rag, moron, worthless human being, so you should listen to me!
A lot of asholes in this world, who has superiority complex.
But I guess it all started at home, at very young age. My mother, when I was under aged used to tell me also that she is much smarter than me, so I shouldnt make my own decisions, but listen to her.
I have invalid behavior patterns, I wish I could rebirth, so I could fix myself and try once again.
R: 4 / I: 0
Here is an example: I was feeling sad over my life when I thought about all the luxuries I have in the 1st world and felt like I was acting spoiled and ungrateful. But then I thought its normal for us humans to quickly get used to basic comforts and desire more out of life and that it doesn't make my suffering less valid.
I also thought about how I am selfish worrying about myself first when there are so many people suffering and in need of a hand but then I thought that I can't be expected to live for others.
These kind of thoughts just leave me confused and aimless and in a non-schizo way I imagine someone judging me for having these self-pitying thoughts and making such a huge deal out of my suffering instead of sucking it up like others do. I just keep second guessing every thought and everything I say wondering if I am being overdramatic, egoistic or delusional.
So how do I find a way to have the right thoughts effortlessly without having to chew every thought and without my natural personality fighting it?
Overwriting personality?
What do I do if I hate my personality? My personality is who I am including my thoughts. Who do I listen to? How can I know which thoughts are right and which are wrong?Here is an example: I was feeling sad over my life when I thought about all the luxuries I have in the 1st world and felt like I was acting spoiled and ungrateful. But then I thought its normal for us humans to quickly get used to basic comforts and desire more out of life and that it doesn't make my suffering less valid.
I also thought about how I am selfish worrying about myself first when there are so many people suffering and in need of a hand but then I thought that I can't be expected to live for others.
These kind of thoughts just leave me confused and aimless and in a non-schizo way I imagine someone judging me for having these self-pitying thoughts and making such a huge deal out of my suffering instead of sucking it up like others do. I just keep second guessing every thought and everything I say wondering if I am being overdramatic, egoistic or delusional.
So how do I find a way to have the right thoughts effortlessly without having to chew every thought and without my natural personality fighting it?
R: 5 / I: 0
anchor general
The only thing that is keeping me Around are those who depend on me. If I were to die their lives will Deteriorate and some would die an early death. Does a anyone else stick around only for others sake?
R: 12 / I: 4
I learnt that i can gain back all my feelings even while still being drugged against my will by psychiatry though.
I figured out that our soul can feel whatever we want and that psychiatrists don't understand how we work so they can't destroy our soul and dopamine and serotonin don't actually exist.
Here is where it gets good.
I learnt through positive affirmations that i can gain my life back by being constantly positive to fight the bad thoughts that tell me "i cant feel this, i cant do that".
I finally over 8 years learnt that im going to be able to fix myself, i feel like im so close, that im swimming to the top, that the tips of my fingers are above the water, i even felt normal for 2 days a month ago, it showed me that i can feel as much as i want and be fixed and the forced drugging can't stop me.
Right now im still having issues and bad thoughts, but im being positive and im getting so close, i experienced the worst depersonalisation ever, and i think i could help people get over deep depression with my experience and methods(a progression of positive affirmations, you just throw as much as you can, and feel objects and textures, spin while looking at your hands etc)
There is hope for us.
Im so close to curing my DP/DR
Hello i once posted here once about my extreme depression that was depersonalisation/derealisation caused by trauma and involuntary drugging against my will that's still happening.I learnt that i can gain back all my feelings even while still being drugged against my will by psychiatry though.
I figured out that our soul can feel whatever we want and that psychiatrists don't understand how we work so they can't destroy our soul and dopamine and serotonin don't actually exist.
Here is where it gets good.
I learnt through positive affirmations that i can gain my life back by being constantly positive to fight the bad thoughts that tell me "i cant feel this, i cant do that".
I finally over 8 years learnt that im going to be able to fix myself, i feel like im so close, that im swimming to the top, that the tips of my fingers are above the water, i even felt normal for 2 days a month ago, it showed me that i can feel as much as i want and be fixed and the forced drugging can't stop me.
Right now im still having issues and bad thoughts, but im being positive and im getting so close, i experienced the worst depersonalisation ever, and i think i could help people get over deep depression with my experience and methods(a progression of positive affirmations, you just throw as much as you can, and feel objects and textures, spin while looking at your hands etc)
There is hope for us.
R: 28 / I: 0
Social skills and looks are the most important aspects.
Loner wizards have no chance in this system.
Never had a chance
If don't have social skills and aren't good looking, you are doomed at uni and work.Social skills and looks are the most important aspects.
Loner wizards have no chance in this system.
R: 102 / I: 13
Antinatalism
Why isn't this philosophy discussed more here? Seeing as we're all celibate and have miserable lives it seems like a natural fit. Personally this is a religion for me, I wear a graphic T that says "birth is the beginning of damnation". Whenever someone asks me what that means, it gives me an opportunity to spread the bad news and use street epistemology to question them on whether they should have children. This philosophy has given me meaning and purpose despite what a black pill it is.
R: 33 / I: 5
What do you suffer from? How do you cope with the pain? Have you come to terms with it? How do you see your future living with whatever it is that you have?
I suffer from chronic pelvic pain/chronic prostatitis/pudental neuralgia since I was 14 and I'm now 25. Its been 10 years of hell, pointless research and doctor after doctor appointment only to be dismissed and let down time after time. I have consumed tons worth of bibliography in an attempt to get to the bottom of this on my own, also in vain. I've tried all kinds of meds, psychotherapy, physical therapy, exercise to no avail. It has now began to dawn on me that there might be no fix, and this thought fills me with horror because i really can't imagine going through an entire life like this. The pain has progressively advanced to the point where I cant sit for more than 30 minutes at a time without wanting to jump out of my chair. I cant engage with my hobbies anymore because of it and the only thing Im left to do when I'm not spending agonizing hours sitting at work is lay in bed with a heat pad and look at my phone/ceiling. My genitals are constantly painful, numb and shrivelled up as if was outside in the freezing cold. Theres a constant dreadful feeling of tightness and a pulling sensation. I'm unable to maintain an erection, my libido has been obliterated and it feels like I've been completely robbed of my sexuality and masculinity since my early teens, which has deeply wounded my psyche in fucked up ways. I could go on forever but you get the gist. This thing has completely consumed my mind and my life. I dont want to wake up tomorrow. This is my story and my own little personal hell and purgatory. I'd like to hear about yours.
Chronic Pain/illness thread
This is a thread dedicated to those poor souls among us who battle with chronic pain or illness alongside mental illness.What do you suffer from? How do you cope with the pain? Have you come to terms with it? How do you see your future living with whatever it is that you have?
I suffer from chronic pelvic pain/chronic prostatitis/pudental neuralgia since I was 14 and I'm now 25. Its been 10 years of hell, pointless research and doctor after doctor appointment only to be dismissed and let down time after time. I have consumed tons worth of bibliography in an attempt to get to the bottom of this on my own, also in vain. I've tried all kinds of meds, psychotherapy, physical therapy, exercise to no avail. It has now began to dawn on me that there might be no fix, and this thought fills me with horror because i really can't imagine going through an entire life like this. The pain has progressively advanced to the point where I cant sit for more than 30 minutes at a time without wanting to jump out of my chair. I cant engage with my hobbies anymore because of it and the only thing Im left to do when I'm not spending agonizing hours sitting at work is lay in bed with a heat pad and look at my phone/ceiling. My genitals are constantly painful, numb and shrivelled up as if was outside in the freezing cold. Theres a constant dreadful feeling of tightness and a pulling sensation. I'm unable to maintain an erection, my libido has been obliterated and it feels like I've been completely robbed of my sexuality and masculinity since my early teens, which has deeply wounded my psyche in fucked up ways. I could go on forever but you get the gist. This thing has completely consumed my mind and my life. I dont want to wake up tomorrow. This is my story and my own little personal hell and purgatory. I'd like to hear about yours.
R: 13 / I: 1
Despite being a Neet and having all day available I still fail to meet the goals I set for myself.
Its not big thins, even someone with a job could easily get them done after work but somehow I always manage to squander all day doing nothing.
And I dont mean nothing as in watching TV all day, watching an episode of a show is on my daily list of goals to meet, I do nothing.
Despite all this I manage to be sleep deprived somehow despite spending the majority of my day in bed.
Its not just depression either, I have motivation some of the time, its just that the day runs away from me
Despite being a Neet and having all day available I still fail to meet the goals I set for myself.
Its not big thins, even someone with a job could easily get them done after work but somehow I always manage to squander all day doing nothing.
And I dont mean nothing as in watching TV all day, watching an episode of a show is on my daily list of goals to meet, I do nothing.
Despite all this I manage to be sleep deprived somehow despite spending the majority of my day in bed.
Its not just depression either, I have motivation some of the time, its just that the day runs away from me
R: 306 / I: 27
Previous: >>277537
Depression Crawl Thread LV
Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.Previous: >>277537
R: 0 / I: 0
I managed to move out to my own rented place. It's a small 40m2 apartment, it's right in front of my workplace. Adequating the place has been a challenge, I am a psychiatric patient, I constantly forget where I place things, and I am learning to keep the place clean. I've been having to buy things at a slow pace because I can't drive, I don't own a car. Got my clothes, my instruments, stuff to cook, a fridge, all the basic stuff.
It's eerie to look at the still mostly empty place, I might as well be gazing at the place I'll hang myself in a few months or years. I am glad I am far from parents, I never have to see my father again but I might still need my mother so I am not entirely cutting off chat communication with her. I will get some pets when my place is more tiddy, and I'll be resuming my drug habit in a while. Being a wiz is wonderful, I am a free man, normies or family barely poison my mind. I pursuit what I want when I want, even death. I got a heavy flu though, having to take a bunch of meds on top of my psych meds is complicated, I forget things. I forgot I was cooking twice, had an open flame in the kitchen.
I managed to move out to my own rented place. It's a small 40m2 apartment, it's right in front of my workplace. Adequating the place has been a challenge, I am a psychiatric patient, I constantly forget where I place things, and I am learning to keep the place clean. I've been having to buy things at a slow pace because I can't drive, I don't own a car. Got my clothes, my instruments, stuff to cook, a fridge, all the basic stuff.
It's eerie to look at the still mostly empty place, I might as well be gazing at the place I'll hang myself in a few months or years. I am glad I am far from parents, I never have to see my father again but I might still need my mother so I am not entirely cutting off chat communication with her. I will get some pets when my place is more tiddy, and I'll be resuming my drug habit in a while. Being a wiz is wonderful, I am a free man, normies or family barely poison my mind. I pursuit what I want when I want, even death. I got a heavy flu though, having to take a bunch of meds on top of my psych meds is complicated, I forget things. I forgot I was cooking twice, had an open flame in the kitchen.
R: 14 / I: 1
for so long i clung to believe in it, because fiction was my world. but if i had 1 drop of Empiricism in me, I would have been a Hobbesian from Kindergarten on.
Its crazy to think that 100% of my human interactions have been negative, and anyone outside of wizchan would think i was exaggerating.
the closest thing to goodness I've known is the politeness and civility of NPCs just going through the motions, reading the standard script of shallow interaction to me.
well the idiot is me, for seeing good people in movies, and thinking that is reality. without seeing it IRL 1st.
jokes on me for expecting more out of darwinian apes
It feels like goodness only exists in fiction
I hate to say it because i was an idealist raised by tv and books, but it seems like good people, for me, only exist in fiction.for so long i clung to believe in it, because fiction was my world. but if i had 1 drop of Empiricism in me, I would have been a Hobbesian from Kindergarten on.
Its crazy to think that 100% of my human interactions have been negative, and anyone outside of wizchan would think i was exaggerating.
the closest thing to goodness I've known is the politeness and civility of NPCs just going through the motions, reading the standard script of shallow interaction to me.
well the idiot is me, for seeing good people in movies, and thinking that is reality. without seeing it IRL 1st.
jokes on me for expecting more out of darwinian apes
R: 23 / I: 1
I still remember being ridiculed in school or university to that day, even though almost a decade has passed. I remember it every day when I try to get outside to get groceries or just walk around, and I'm afraid to get humiliated even more. Please share your experience. How do you deal with painful memories of being an outcast?
The memories of humiliation
How do you deal with humiliation in your past? I feel like it defines me as a human being. I've been misunderstood and humiliated more than I'd like to admit. I'm very socially awkward, and people are not kind or forgiving to me at all.I still remember being ridiculed in school or university to that day, even though almost a decade has passed. I remember it every day when I try to get outside to get groceries or just walk around, and I'm afraid to get humiliated even more. Please share your experience. How do you deal with painful memories of being an outcast?
R: 50 / I: 3
What do you think there is after death?
Recently I feel an existential void and I would like to philosophize with the forum
What do you think there is after death?
Recently I feel an existential void and I would like to philosophize with the forum
R: 97 / I: 12
All my life I've been waiting for 'life' to happen not realizing that im already in it. As a child I thought I'm gonna be having friends and that I'm gonna do stuff but I didn't seem to care that all the other kids were already doing that every day, they were socializing and doing things while I was at home playing games on the family computer wondering when all that friend stuff will come for me. During my teens I was pretty much still a child mentally because of my undevelopment while the other kids in class already cared about sex and had ambitions in something. Everyone had something they were pursuing even the unpopular kids who got ocassonally bullied had some sort of passion that they followed even if it was just a game while I was still trying to figure out who I was, longing for experiences that I should have made years ago. This pretty much stayed the same until I became an adult and I spent all my 20s being lost and having the emotional/social understanding of a teenager. I never pursued anything, didn't learn anything and I never had a circle of friends once. I also fell into the therapy rabbit hole for a long time and tried a lot of other things in an effort to change which all didn't work and I'm starting to be sure that if I would have been able to change anything I would have done it.
Almost 30 years have passed and nothing changed in life, I got a bit more mature over the years but anything else stayed the same. I waited on the most basic things to happen just to realize that I've been too retarded to experience them.
Waiting for life to happen
I wonder how many of you can relate to this and I'm sure it's probably something that only concerns the most isolated among us.All my life I've been waiting for 'life' to happen not realizing that im already in it. As a child I thought I'm gonna be having friends and that I'm gonna do stuff but I didn't seem to care that all the other kids were already doing that every day, they were socializing and doing things while I was at home playing games on the family computer wondering when all that friend stuff will come for me. During my teens I was pretty much still a child mentally because of my undevelopment while the other kids in class already cared about sex and had ambitions in something. Everyone had something they were pursuing even the unpopular kids who got ocassonally bullied had some sort of passion that they followed even if it was just a game while I was still trying to figure out who I was, longing for experiences that I should have made years ago. This pretty much stayed the same until I became an adult and I spent all my 20s being lost and having the emotional/social understanding of a teenager. I never pursued anything, didn't learn anything and I never had a circle of friends once. I also fell into the therapy rabbit hole for a long time and tried a lot of other things in an effort to change which all didn't work and I'm starting to be sure that if I would have been able to change anything I would have done it.
Almost 30 years have passed and nothing changed in life, I got a bit more mature over the years but anything else stayed the same. I waited on the most basic things to happen just to realize that I've been too retarded to experience them.
R: 11 / I: 0
Insomnia
Anyone else's mind just keep going and going to the point where you can't sleep at all, or you get very little sleep. It's gotten to the point where docs got me on meds to help, but even then they barely do the job. It's a fucking mess. I just hope I'm not alone in this.
R: 16 / I: 1
recall one memory during school when you felt betrayed and/or shamed.
For I, It was during last year of college, teacher asked me what I was going to do next year and at which school should I go, I was complete silence too ashamed to speak and the class was silent and everyone was watching me
recall one memory during school when you felt betrayed and/or shamed.
For I, It was during last year of college, teacher asked me what I was going to do next year and at which school should I go, I was complete silence too ashamed to speak and the class was silent and everyone was watching me
R: 81 / I: 2
I suppose most of you have heard about Mike Shitwood. If you don't know that scumbag yet here are a few links:
https://www.vice.com/en/article/k7z8ze/meet-the-viral-sheriff-who-took-on-florida-nazis
https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2023/04/20/florida-sheriff-hate-crimes/
https://twitter.com/sheriffchitwood
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xpzX-v7zgI
Especially this one:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw4brKmzxCE
You might think "well he's only targeting nazis so I'm cool with that fuck them".
Pay attention to the vocabulary he uses:
"loser", "no friends", "no job", "marginalized members of society", "I'd want to hide too if I looked like this".
Shitwood's real target isn't nazis per se. It's us: the "losers".
"Well but they're nazis so it's ok to attack them on that".
No. It's not a case of "it's genrally not ok but here it's ok because nazis".
It IS a case of "I hate all male 'losers' but I generally hide it because it's not polite to overtly spill it. However in that case I can because I have the excuse of them being nazis."
People would never think it's OK to be antisemitic towards, say, Ben Shapiro, or to be racist towards, say, Louis Farrakhan. Why is it ok here? Because male losers isn't their concern.
Important to note is that Shitwood leans right-wing, not left-wing. What this even show is:
You're alone. Always will be. Nobody cares about you. Because you're born a loser and always will be, and not even the most radical leftist cares about male losers. Everyone, left-wing AND right-wing, hates and despise you.
The only thing left is to just fuck shit up.
I suppose most of you have heard about Mike Shitwood. If you don't know that scumbag yet here are a few links:
https://www.vice.com/en/article/k7z8ze/meet-the-viral-sheriff-who-took-on-florida-nazis
https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2023/04/20/florida-sheriff-hate-crimes/
https://twitter.com/sheriffchitwood
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xpzX-v7zgI
Especially this one:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw4brKmzxCE
You might think "well he's only targeting nazis so I'm cool with that fuck them".
Pay attention to the vocabulary he uses:
"loser", "no friends", "no job", "marginalized members of society", "I'd want to hide too if I looked like this".
Shitwood's real target isn't nazis per se. It's us: the "losers".
"Well but they're nazis so it's ok to attack them on that".
No. It's not a case of "it's genrally not ok but here it's ok because nazis".
It IS a case of "I hate all male 'losers' but I generally hide it because it's not polite to overtly spill it. However in that case I can because I have the excuse of them being nazis."
People would never think it's OK to be antisemitic towards, say, Ben Shapiro, or to be racist towards, say, Louis Farrakhan. Why is it ok here? Because male losers isn't their concern.
Important to note is that Shitwood leans right-wing, not left-wing. What this even show is:
You're alone. Always will be. Nobody cares about you. Because you're born a loser and always will be, and not even the most radical leftist cares about male losers. Everyone, left-wing AND right-wing, hates and despise you.
The only thing left is to just fuck shit up.
R: 29 / I: 7
Doesn't it happen to you that the future seems totally depressing and disappointing?
What motivates them to keep going if the world we have built for millennia will be completely depressing for future generations?
Our current situation will only worsen faster and faster.
Doesn't it happen to you that the future seems totally depressing and disappointing?
What motivates them to keep going if the world we have built for millennia will be completely depressing for future generations?
Our current situation will only worsen faster and faster.
R: 122 / I: 4
Getting irritated by sex stuff
This is something I never really understood about myself but ever since I can remember I've been getting extremely irritated by being involuntarily exposed to normie sex stuff to the point where I feel intense rage or severe discomfort, it's things such as sex scenes in movies, sexual memes, pornographic lyrics in music or people talking about sex in public and social media. It just instantly irritates me like nothing else. I've been feeling like this since I was like 8-10 years old and I wonder if anyone else knows what I mean.
R: 20 / I: 1
What is the easiest way to commit suicide
Just wondering because there seems to be no way out and I want it just to end.
R: 10 / I: 0
PLEASE GIVE ME A LIST OF PLACES I CAN BUY SN FROM, PLEASE
I live in Europe, and I'm willing to spend a fair amount of money on parcel forwarding services if needed, the only problem is that they're not responding to me when I inquire whether the content of it would pose an issue.
So far, I have found one in Poland, and have thought about using 2 parcel forwarding services to reach my destination. However, they just refuse to answer me whether the content of it poses an issue.
My account didn't get approved on sanctioned suicide, and PLEASE don't move my thread to suicide general, it won't receive any answers.
PLEASE GIVE ME A LIST OF PLACES I CAN BUY SN FROM, PLEASE
I live in Europe, and I'm willing to spend a fair amount of money on parcel forwarding services if needed, the only problem is that they're not responding to me when I inquire whether the content of it would pose an issue.
So far, I have found one in Poland, and have thought about using 2 parcel forwarding services to reach my destination. However, they just refuse to answer me whether the content of it poses an issue.
My account didn't get approved on sanctioned suicide, and PLEASE don't move my thread to suicide general, it won't receive any answers.
R: 7 / I: 0
I just realized All the good things in this life are virtual. It's got me pondering what really makes life livable to most people. For normgroids its always been the same song and dance of socializing, drama, sex. With little else. But for non-norms. Its always been virtual. its always been art, music, basically not real life. When normies say 'get a life' they really mean to find a social circle, and one thats not other nerdy people.
people who contest this idea really have no clue what its like to be someone who doesn't really fit in. You HAVE to relate to others, be normal and fit into society to really say otherwise. Because reality is more often then not depressing. you have things like chronic pain but no such affliction exists that gives one chronic pleasure, i look at the billions dead and dying under cruel governments and war. i used to wonder how normies could drink alcohol, the shit is so nasty but then i realized they need to like it after a 13 hour work day or they'd kill themselves. Whats so horrible is i can't even imagine an ideal situation where a wizard would be happy. Maybe if he had the money and facilities to sustain himself and maybe if he was born into a top-notch loving family who didn't berate him for not fitting in. Its implausible, unrealistic and rare. The more (and this word is misuesed) 'autistic' you are the more you are trying to escape the human condition.
I just realized All the good things in this life are virtual. It's got me pondering what really makes life livable to most people. For normgroids its always been the same song and dance of socializing, drama, sex. With little else. But for non-norms. Its always been virtual. its always been art, music, basically not real life. When normies say 'get a life' they really mean to find a social circle, and one thats not other nerdy people.
people who contest this idea really have no clue what its like to be someone who doesn't really fit in. You HAVE to relate to others, be normal and fit into society to really say otherwise. Because reality is more often then not depressing. you have things like chronic pain but no such affliction exists that gives one chronic pleasure, i look at the billions dead and dying under cruel governments and war. i used to wonder how normies could drink alcohol, the shit is so nasty but then i realized they need to like it after a 13 hour work day or they'd kill themselves. Whats so horrible is i can't even imagine an ideal situation where a wizard would be happy. Maybe if he had the money and facilities to sustain himself and maybe if he was born into a top-notch loving family who didn't berate him for not fitting in. Its implausible, unrealistic and rare. The more (and this word is misuesed) 'autistic' you are the more you are trying to escape the human condition.
R: 8 / I: 0
20 and can't travel outside because they think I'm still a child
It's fucked up, all my friends watching barbie and Oppenheimer and here I'm writing this post, I hate my life, I hate my parents, I hate everything. I think about suicide every fucking second of day, R: 9 / I: 0
I hate how much of my life I have and continue to waste on pornography.
atleast an hour of my day down the drain every fucking day.
Isnt your libido supposed to down after your twenties?
Its not enjoyable either, its a chore, like having to take a piss.
>just stop
Tried it many times over but then I cant get shit done either because i have a fucking erection is I end up wasting more time trying to distract me
Lose lose situation, I wish humans in general werent as sexual, disgusting how much of everything is dedicated to just sex most ads, most people have the goal of fucking its just annoying me to hell.
Its especially annoying because you cant even browse the internet without being bombarded by softcore porn even on non related sites.
its just such a fucking waste of time and I realize im at fault for not being in control of myself, but its annoying even if it is my fault, maybe even more so.
its tiring
I hate how much of my life I have and continue to waste on pornography.
atleast an hour of my day down the drain every fucking day.
Isnt your libido supposed to down after your twenties?
Its not enjoyable either, its a chore, like having to take a piss.
>just stop
Tried it many times over but then I cant get shit done either because i have a fucking erection is I end up wasting more time trying to distract me
Lose lose situation, I wish humans in general werent as sexual, disgusting how much of everything is dedicated to just sex most ads, most people have the goal of fucking its just annoying me to hell.
Its especially annoying because you cant even browse the internet without being bombarded by softcore porn even on non related sites.
its just such a fucking waste of time and I realize im at fault for not being in control of myself, but its annoying even if it is my fault, maybe even more so.
its tiring
R: 22 / I: 0
People accept that you cant chose the situation you are born in. People accept that someone born in a 3rd world country, poverty, physical disability did not have control over it and people recognize that talent/genius exists which some people just have.
And yet when it comes to your personality, the thing that is the most important to shaping your life, it's seen as something you choose and because of that it's also highly moralized. If someone has a bad personality it's seen as their fault and as carte blanche to attack them.
Now I understand that this is because personality is seen as malleable so you don't want to give an asshole positive feedback and I agree with that. People with a good personality are pleasant to be around so you praise them. But the unfairness of it kinda bothers me. Some people have no self-awareness so they can't even fix themselves while getting mentally abused. You can observa that with the whole "lolcow" phenomenon. But even if you are self-aware having to use additional mental strength to constantly correct yourself is exhausting.
Like in my case I naturally act lazy, instant gratification seeking a with a fixed instead of growth mindset and I've been struggling with it my whole life and the moralized "tough love" I received because of this just made me more stuck in my ways and made me feel worse. Only recently am I starting to try to deal with this issue out of my own conviction. It's very hard though and kinda a thankless effort since I am putting in effort to basically be what's considered a normal adult.
Good personality privilege?
Am I going too far here or is this something that's severely underrated?People accept that you cant chose the situation you are born in. People accept that someone born in a 3rd world country, poverty, physical disability did not have control over it and people recognize that talent/genius exists which some people just have.
And yet when it comes to your personality, the thing that is the most important to shaping your life, it's seen as something you choose and because of that it's also highly moralized. If someone has a bad personality it's seen as their fault and as carte blanche to attack them.
Now I understand that this is because personality is seen as malleable so you don't want to give an asshole positive feedback and I agree with that. People with a good personality are pleasant to be around so you praise them. But the unfairness of it kinda bothers me. Some people have no self-awareness so they can't even fix themselves while getting mentally abused. You can observa that with the whole "lolcow" phenomenon. But even if you are self-aware having to use additional mental strength to constantly correct yourself is exhausting.
Like in my case I naturally act lazy, instant gratification seeking a with a fixed instead of growth mindset and I've been struggling with it my whole life and the moralized "tough love" I received because of this just made me more stuck in my ways and made me feel worse. Only recently am I starting to try to deal with this issue out of my own conviction. It's very hard though and kinda a thankless effort since I am putting in effort to basically be what's considered a normal adult.
R: 7 / I: 1
There are times, just like now, when I nearly enter psychosis from the panic I enter after laying in my isolation, and my mind begins to process the weight of my loneliness.
Severe Asperger's is not fun. And even though I can carry a conversation, and I can fake a sense of humor, and I can develop a rapport with others, just because I've wrote the necessary mental functions, subroutines in my cerebral software required to do so…
I'll never be able to share a sincere moment with anybody.
When I decide to peel back the layers, and choose to act as I am, most people stare at me in complete confusion, and utter bewilderment.
Sometimes it's difficult to believe that everyone around me is the same species as I am.
Some people seem to not even speak the same language as me. As often times I'll be asked to repeat words that, at the very least in my mind, don't seem that complicated.
These people I find very strange, especially those who just exist to take up space, never harboring any drive to be more than what they are. Consuming slop to sustain themselves and never thinking outside their bubble.
It's like everyone around me chose to tune into a completely different frequency than I have. Maybe when I listen to what they have to say, my experience to them is very much as it is for them towards me.
Nevertheless, each day I realize I will never find the one I love. I will never find the friends I desire.
And each day of reconciliation is more of my soul, and spirit, and drive shattered.
There are times, just like now, when I nearly enter psychosis from the panic I enter after laying in my isolation, and my mind begins to process the weight of my loneliness.
Severe Asperger's is not fun. And even though I can carry a conversation, and I can fake a sense of humor, and I can develop a rapport with others, just because I've wrote the necessary mental functions, subroutines in my cerebral software required to do so…
I'll never be able to share a sincere moment with anybody.
When I decide to peel back the layers, and choose to act as I am, most people stare at me in complete confusion, and utter bewilderment.
Sometimes it's difficult to believe that everyone around me is the same species as I am.
Some people seem to not even speak the same language as me. As often times I'll be asked to repeat words that, at the very least in my mind, don't seem that complicated.
These people I find very strange, especially those who just exist to take up space, never harboring any drive to be more than what they are. Consuming slop to sustain themselves and never thinking outside their bubble.
It's like everyone around me chose to tune into a completely different frequency than I have. Maybe when I listen to what they have to say, my experience to them is very much as it is for them towards me.
Nevertheless, each day I realize I will never find the one I love. I will never find the friends I desire.
And each day of reconciliation is more of my soul, and spirit, and drive shattered.
R: 2 / I: 0
All of us, every single human being has mental habits , patterns that they laid down in the past, They were causes, and they must have an effect. The effect is that these old mental habits will inevitably arise again. Let them arise and flow in your perception, feeling and consciousness without actually reinforcing the habit energy itself. Give it space and let it be heard. Let it exhaust itself. Let go
its ok to feel pain
Let go. Sometimes you have to lance the abscess and let the poison flow without getting caught up in it.All of us, every single human being has mental habits , patterns that they laid down in the past, They were causes, and they must have an effect. The effect is that these old mental habits will inevitably arise again. Let them arise and flow in your perception, feeling and consciousness without actually reinforcing the habit energy itself. Give it space and let it be heard. Let it exhaust itself. Let go
R: 15 / I: 0
The neets who don't know anything but videogames from being in their rooms chronically online on imageboards don't get the same dopamine as a wagiecuck who comes back home to play with their other wagecuck friends and spends the weekend socializing or going out.
We couldn't even if we tried. The neets who say to be happy are actually on the more normalfag side. They're mostly healthy individuals with no mental illness they also have friends offline or online or grew up and were accepted at one point by their peers.
Average neetie experiences so much anhedonia they resort to drugs to cope and are always suicidal or suffering from mental illness. There's always anxiety and we can't pinpoint the roots of it so it must be that we were not meant for this life.
Wagiecuck normies actually get excited about new things, meetings, playing, going out
They're getting more out of life despite having to work for a living, it's natural for them. They also don't have to worry or obsess about the quality of things as much as a neet so they don't suffer when something they like goes in the wrong direction, they simply move on because they don't have the time.
Normalfag and wagies are resilient and grateful for the tiniest of things even during difficult times, that's something difficult to cultivate as a neet. There's many things that go unappreciated but not for the normalfag. I can accuse them of being basic and crude but I can't ignore that their lives as lived by them is understandable.
differences
Normalfags with jobs are always the most excited about videogames, media, food, travels, parties, etc. because for them it's really an escape to their boring lives so they have an advantage when it comes to enjoying media and life in general. Following the normal script makes it possible for an appreciation that neets don't have but wagies do.The neets who don't know anything but videogames from being in their rooms chronically online on imageboards don't get the same dopamine as a wagiecuck who comes back home to play with their other wagecuck friends and spends the weekend socializing or going out.
We couldn't even if we tried. The neets who say to be happy are actually on the more normalfag side. They're mostly healthy individuals with no mental illness they also have friends offline or online or grew up and were accepted at one point by their peers.
Average neetie experiences so much anhedonia they resort to drugs to cope and are always suicidal or suffering from mental illness. There's always anxiety and we can't pinpoint the roots of it so it must be that we were not meant for this life.
Wagiecuck normies actually get excited about new things, meetings, playing, going out
They're getting more out of life despite having to work for a living, it's natural for them. They also don't have to worry or obsess about the quality of things as much as a neet so they don't suffer when something they like goes in the wrong direction, they simply move on because they don't have the time.
Normalfag and wagies are resilient and grateful for the tiniest of things even during difficult times, that's something difficult to cultivate as a neet. There's many things that go unappreciated but not for the normalfag. I can accuse them of being basic and crude but I can't ignore that their lives as lived by them is understandable.
R: 56 / I: 3
How do you stop being addicted to +18 content? I've been trying to quit forever for 2 years but I always come back
Do you have an effective method?
How do you stop being addicted to +18 content? I've been trying to quit forever for 2 years but I always come back
Do you have an effective method?
R: 7 / I: 0
How do I cause myself physical pain without leaving visible injuries or causing permanent damage?
How do I cause myself physical pain without leaving visible injuries or causing permanent damage?
R: 45 / I: 1
How do I kill myself without feeling pain?
I don't give a fuck about my life anymore, I just want to finish this.
How do I kill myself without feeling pain?
I don't give a fuck about my life anymore, I just want to finish this.
R: 22 / I: 3
Being me was still at the back of my mind an essence of me I do not like it's hard to explain. Religion hasn't fixed it, making me hope for soul death, to be non existent. Maybe it's more than body dysphoria maybe it's caused because the body is an icon of me and how it's more susceptible to nature than others.
How do you get over body dysphoria
Religion, working out, self-care, etc. Every step I took I could not take myself seriously or I'd over obsess perfection and progress.Being me was still at the back of my mind an essence of me I do not like it's hard to explain. Religion hasn't fixed it, making me hope for soul death, to be non existent. Maybe it's more than body dysphoria maybe it's caused because the body is an icon of me and how it's more susceptible to nature than others.